Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Fashed Potatoes 3 - Old Lady Loubs

I hate Louboutin shoes.

I don't give the slightest featherweight fuck that the bottom of a shoe is red. It does not concern me. The bottoms of many shoes are many different colors. Why one particular brand being red is such a big deal is beyond me - $7 Starter athletic shorts are reversible and no one sucks their dicks over it, probably because in every other non-Louboutin walk of life, nobody sucks dicks over a color.

On top of that, these shoes, which were described to me as "gorgeous" and "classic" and "I need to have these" and "I should probably just spend all of my money on shoes because money is an arbitrary concept that only works due to our faith in it and if say some bankers in Iowa conspired to artificially alter its value so they could arbitrage corn or some shit we could end up in a new-age, millenial civil war and if I die in a civil war I'm going to be fabulous while doing so". I may have made that last one up. want them in OLD LADY?

Look at those things and tell me that you can't see Blanche Deveraux rocking them to the max. That is the color of menopause. Nobody that wears these shoes ovulates.

Here's how Neiman-Marcus describes them:

"Reach new heights with the Christian Louboutin "So Kate" pump - a seemingly classic shape that's saucy in glossy patent with leg-lifting elevation."

Ok - where to start first. I'll just ignore how stupid the name is.

"Seemingly" classic - what do you mean, seemingly? How is that a good thing? Add seemingly to some sentences and see how reassuring it makes them.

- "She was seemingly STD free when we hooked up"
- "Yeah he's seemingly sober enough to drive"
- "You would seemingly be safe locked in a hotel room for an hour with Bill Cosby"

Secondly - saucy. Trying too hard, Neiman. You aren't edgy. The only reason these shoes are saucy is because if you wear them you are an old lady and thus you are probably quite often making sauce.

And finally, glossy patent isn't a color. It's something you use when you don't want to say the real color, which is old lady carnation.

So in summary, don't buy Blanche Deveraux's shoes. Get these things outta the Stable!

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