I am so back. For now. Probably going to quit again tomorrow.
Anyway, this FASHED POTATOES segment is bout to pop off all up in your heads and all in your mouths and shittttt. Every time my stablemate Nicole sends me clothes she wants to buy from some random site on the internet and asks my opinion, I'm gonna fash-critique the hell out of it. Just like Joan Rivers would have done before overdosed on fashion. RIP Joan, you was a bad bitch. She was acidic as hell, pretty much the opposite of basic. JOAN RIVERS WOULD MELT YOUR SKIN
Anyways, this week I was sent a barrage of stupid leopard coats. Let's pick the best one!
This jacket is nice. Like, you can wear this and look like a real-ass leopard. For a second people would actually think that "hey, is that a leopard on the loose?" until they were like "nahhh, there's no real leopards in Blue Martini". But that's all fashion is about...convincing people for a few seconds that you might be a real leopard.
Oh GET OUT OF HERE. First off, that hat is atrocious. It looks like the wicked witch of Boca Racon just swooped down riding her wooden BMW 3-Series. Combine that with that stupid ass denim jacket that you ladies try to class up by calling it "chambray"* and a tight, long pointless leopard jacket that looks like someone cut it out of a throw rug and I want to throw up out of my dick.
Sidenote: stop classing up denim jackets by calling them chambray. If I acid wash jean shorts, no one is going to compliment me on my "chamborts".
Wait...I think this lady is trying to signal me! She needs help! She's...hold on....OH MY GOD! She's trapped in the early 2000s! SHE IS BEING KIDNAPPED BY AN AVRIL LAVIGNE CD COVER! Someone call the National Guard!
Son of a bitch....they are already occupied! CURSE YOU SHANNON SHARPE! I can't seem to embed videos.
Anyway, this jacket sucks and I said no. First, it's stupidly tight so that it just looks like a regular jacket with leopard color spray-painted on. Isn't the point of buying fake leopard fur to make it look like you are ballin' enough to have actual leopard fur? Either that or you reared a young leopard cub from birth and then when it got old enough to fit you, you hit it with your car, skinned it and made a nice coat to wear to classy joints like art gallery openings and shit. This looks like a jacket you wear to "Friends - The Movie". Secondly...I don't have a secondly. This one sucks and I said no or else I'm gonna burn it.
Ok....this one's cool even though it's another chick who looks a first lieutenant in the Basic Army. I can't tell if this girl dressed like this on purpose with the "edgy nun" thing she has going on or if she hastily got dressed in the middle of a Bosnian civil war. What I do know is that jacket is pretty nice and fluffy and mad leop, son.
Don't really like the zipper thing though, but I guess I could deal with it if functionality is preferred over real leopardness. I definitely prefer number 1 but at least this one is 8 times better than that shit number 2 tried to pass off as fashion.
But JFC, replace those boots. This chick probably has a well-known nickname like "The Flaccifyer" or something.
I like this one a lot, probably because there's no model to annoy me on the site. It's not as bright as the first three but damn, you wear that ladies and you might actually hunt in the woods for gazelles. This thing probably comes with the soul of the leopard as well. That jacket is wet, son. Just plain silky.
However, I think I like the lighter ones best and I don't like the prominent zipper all that much so if I had to tell Nicole which one I like the most after really thinking about it, it would be #1. Followed by #4 then #3 and then getting your pubes slowly singed by prolonged direct engine exhaust exposure and then finally, #2.
See yinz again next time I'm asked to pick an item out of a group and until then, KEEP YOUR FASHION OUT OF YOUR ASS!