Tuesday, April 26, 2016


Nowhere else to put this, so it's going on here. 

If the fuckers on TV can do shitty mock drafts, why can't I? This also makes watching the draft more enjoyable for me, and certainly more enjoyable than it was for young men in the Vietnam War era. As always, this is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Jk, it's not, I do what I want I'm a grown ass man

1. LA RAMS - Jared Goff, QB, California
Before recently, the hype train for Goff had been mainly underground, leading to his nickname of "Subway Jared". Then the Rams traded like 6 picks to move up to number 1, and nothing happened because they assumed they were going to draft Carson Wentz. However, some brilliant people then connected the dots to realize that a) Carson Wentz is some random-ass dude who probably fucks free range bison in North Dakota for sport and b) Goff went to college a mere 8 hours or so from LA. I mean, it's perfect! I haven't paid much attention to either of these QBs but everyone says Goff is the pick. I don't want to watch any QBs this year so that works for me. It will be interesting to see if Goff is strong enough to fight off the effects of witchcraft after he arrives to training camp and Jeff Fisher casts a level 25 Mediocrity Spell. 

2. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota
I never have any idea what the Eagles are doing. It's certainly weird to trade away all of your picks after Chip Kelly isn't even there to fuck them up anymore. It's extremely odd to pay Chase Daniel in Lunchables let alone give him $7 million per annum. And now they have pissed off Princess Sam Bradford to move up and get the QB Bridesmaid, likely to be Lumberjack Ryan Tannehill. I mean Carson Wentz. 

Wentz actually has Andrew Luck-esque measurables, so maybe he'll be good. I don't know. 

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - Jalen Ramsey, CB/S, Florida State
I've read Tunsil mocked to this spot quite often, and I just do not see it. I'm also listing Ramsey as a CB/S as most sites seem to do this, but to me he's a corner, at least through his rookie contract. I guess he's Charles Woodson, though I think he'll be a better CB than Woodson was as most teams seem to be playing more zone now.

Ramsey is big, physical, strong and aggressive and he's a smart dude, too. He's no Antonio Cromartie. Kind of reminds me of a young Cromartie, though - when Cromartie was young he was a freakish corner and Ramsey appears to be the same. He's got some Marcus Peters in him but while maybe not as strong and feisty (who is), he's more fluid. Peters made some big plays but he also got beat a lot. 

One area where I wasn't as impressed as the others was his pure man coverage - Ramsey doesn't seem to physically press (maybe that's FSU's scheme, just turn and run?) and he gets lost in man coverage sometimes - but nobody's perfect. Everybody hates Cam Newton now because God forbid dudes trained to break each other in half on a field act like something other than foreign dignitaries at all times and Ramsey can be a bit cocky, so I'm sure people will complain about that after he's drafted. I'll continue thinking that it's dumb. 

Of all the possible comparisons, the one I see the most for Ramsey's ceiling is a significantly more athletic version of Richard Sherman. As a bad case scenario (I mean worst case is always that he just blows ass or gets hit by a bus or something, so I'm thinking merely bad), he's probably Cromartie. Do you take that 3rd overall? Hell yeah you do, and you thank the deity of your choice that there are 2 decent enough QBs this year to push him down.

I have no idea where to go with this one. I think Bosa is overrated as hell and will not put up significant sack numbers in the NFL. He's strong as hell and will probably set the hell out of the edge and blow up some running plays but you don't draft that 4th overall, do you? I think Bosa is probably best set as a new-breed 3-4 "playmaking" DE, and the Cowboys already have one 3-4 prototype playing 4-3 DE in Randy Gregory. Assuming he stops doing whatever he's doing.

Shaq Lawson? I think he's a bit of an oaf despite his measurables telling a different tale but that was as a 3-4 OLB. Maybe he is worthy of this pick as a traditional DE?

I don't think Myles Jack is the best scheme fit....but they could drop Ro McClain in time and put Jack in the middle after he plays some OLB. Assuming his knee checks out. I think Jack is best suited to be a 3-4 ILB where he could be Ryan Shazier on steroids but it's all 4-3 teams at the top.

Would anyone trade up for Tunsil? (scanning) Probably not. I bet the Ravens will just take whoever falls between Tunsil and the defensive linemen. 

Could the Cowboys take Shawn Oakman to replace Greg Hardy? Jk jk

I need to look up DeForest Buckner.

Verdict: Why do so many people love DeForest Buckner? Let's get weird.

DALLAS COWBOYS - Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
I hate this pick, but weird shit happens every year and this is a meaningless mock draft so yinz can all blow me. I haven't watched that much Lawson tape but I know I just don't like Bosa like many people tend to and I don't think NFL scouts will either. In a perfect world, Ramsey falls to 4 but this ain't a perfect world. If it were, Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon would teammates outside of rehab flag football.

I would like the Cowboys to trade down and get Hargreaves but I can't make it happen and they reallllllly need DL. The Cowboys just noted to the media that they intend to stay at no. 4, which seems like something a team that wants to trade would say to answer a question that nobody was really asking.

Rumors say that Jack's knee is made out of Sam Bradfordium, a rare and unstable element that in its purest form only has a half-life of 1.32 seasons. But pre-draft rumor is just that and I have no idea how much stock to put into that. The issue is a meniscus, which can cause long-term wear issues in the knee similar to ones Dwynaneyane Wade has experienced, though Wade had his meniscus removed and I'm not a fuckin' doctor so take that with a Wilfork-sized grain of salt. 

If Jack is healthy, he's Luke Kuechly mixed with some Ryan Shazier, IMO. Potentially the best ILB in the NFL if he hits his ceiling. Usually ILB don't go this early (I think Jack is best suited for ILB simply because I think ILBs have more playmaking opportunities if you exclude pass rushing), but this isn't a great year and Jack is that good and Kuechly is a boss and Bobby Wagner really makes the Seahawks defense go and things change, yo.

6. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
I think this pick would take all of 12 seconds to make. I wanted to put Hargreaves here just to be different but I couldn't do it. Tunsil is a great athlete with great technique who just seems to do everything well. I'm not good enough at offensive line to compare him to anybody - so I'm going to compare him to Orlando Pace with a moderate hangover. Like not throwing up every play but he's a bit dizzy from drinking so much ok I just made that up and that makes no sense but Tunsil is....is he like a bigger Tyron Smith? Is he like a version of Levi Brown that had 3 wishes and wished to be better at football three times? Is he Tony Boselli in blackface? I don't even remember why Tony Boselli was good but that would be a pretty sweet nickname for everybody on TV to dance around. 

If I were the Cowboys I would offer to trade with Baltimore for little in return, like maybe a 5th rounder, assuming they agree on Bosa and Buckner. Which they probably don't. Jerrah probably loves Bosahh.

7. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS - Leonard Floyd, OLB, Georgia
Whoa, what? Shit's gettin wildddddddddddd

This isn't really a pure mock of what I think is going to happen, it's just something I do when I'm bored and a bit of a hobby so I'm going to have the 49ers take one of my favorite players in the draft who also happens to have that highly sought after ability to rush the QB off the edge. Floyd is skinny but he can totes get some HGH and he's a great athlete. This ain't Jarvis Jones - Floyd is not only probably the best athlete of the edge guys in this class, he's also rather advanced in technique compared to many of them. He has a few moves! That seems to be a lot when looking at college guys. 

He also played in a 3-4 in college, as the 49ers use. He isn't exactly good in coverage but at least he has some experience and he seems to have the athleticism to potentially improve there. I don't know man, I'm just not seeing it with Bosa. The 49ers shocked me years ago and took some random dude named Aldon, so why not do it again? Who knows, perhaps this guy won't be drinking on his way to practice. 

8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
You know...as much as I like the idea of Bosa as a 3-4 DE, I just can't bring myself to do it.

8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
I would consider Hargreaves too but I'm just thinking that the Browns may have corner fatigue. 

This seems really high for Conklin, but I got around to watching him recently and I really liked him. I'm not a huge Ronnie Stanley fan. I keep reading that Conklin is destined for RT in the NFL and I don't believe it (primarily because LT/RT has become blurred - you can put your best OT at left tackle and watch Von Miller line up on your right) - but for now that's what he is. This is already getting carried away. 

9. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
I refuse to say THE Ohio State, unless I'm making fun of Ohio State. Which is deserved because Ohio is everyone's least favorite state. My 2nd least favorite state is I have no idea.

Bosa's fall stops at 9, hypothetically, in this waste of time exercise, where the Bucs have been trying forever to find somebody who doesn't suck to play end. I don't think Bosa sucks, I just don't see top-5 talent. Yes, he beat a triple team once. Yes, he's pushed a few guys into the QBs lap. Yeah, he had a ton of sacks and tackles for loss (so did Jarvis Jones). I just see a lot of doing nothing in between all of these big plays and I don't see much ability to get to the QB outside of pure strength. There's no great moves, there's no beating tackles around the corner, I dunno...I just don't see it. He seems like he'll be solid but not spectacular. He's like a 30 year old chick's tits. Joey "30 Year Old Tits" Bosa. I like the sound of that. Should catch on. 

10. NEW YORK GIANTS - Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
The Giants could realistically take just about anybody here and it would be a sensible pick, but I like Hargreaves the most and they just gave up like, the most yards ever in the history of color television. Signing Janoris Jenkins to a Too Many Years Too Many Dollars contract might help but when you give up 40,000 yards, one guy isn't going to fix your secondary. 

Hargreaves III is not getting enough respect, IMO. He doesn't have the top end speed of William Jackson III or Eli Apple and doesn't have the height either, but his combine numbers show great quickness and that shows up in the games and he is light years ahead of the other corners technically. And that includes Ramsey. This is the only guy who looks like he is playing corner. He's everything people want Mackensie Alexander to be. 

People are talking about Hargreaves in the same breath as guys like Jackson and Apple....I'm not. I don't even know how Eli Apple got into this conversation. I don't hate him but I wouldn't draft Eli Apple in the top 20 with Matt Millen's dick.

11. CHICAGO BEARS - Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
Holy Christ, I have no idea who Chicago's LT is. What is a Charles Leno? Ronnie Stanley is a true oaf but the dude is strong as hell and when he gets his hands on people, they move where he makes them move. They move very slowly but they move nonetheless. This may be a dumb pick but this isn't my job so fuck Charles Leno. GET BETTER CHARLES LENO

12. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - WIlliam Jackson III, CB, Houston
The Saints are garbage in a lot of places but nowhere are they trashier than corner. Brandon Browner was in a wheelchair last season and Keenan Lewis is getting old and ineffective. Enter BJ3!

BJ3 isn't the most technically sound corner and he gets beat a lot but he also makes a ton of interceptions. He's big and fast and feisty and he's a poor man's Marcus Peters. Maybe not even a poor man but a man who had a decent investment portfolio but put too much of it into oil and gas and he's taken a bit of a hit. But his can-do spirit is intact and he's going to get right back at it and try to make that money back, preferably not depending too heavily on commodities to do so. Jackson III is that guy's version of Marcus Peters.

13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Somebody Boring and Shitty, Some Stupid College
Hmmm. The Dolphins continue being boring as hell without any giant gaping holes (though Brazzers is nearby) but not too many areas of great strength. They should only have one uniform color, and it should be grey. And their logo should not be a Dolphin but instead just a seal. Just a regular seal going about his day on a rock, not causing any harm and just like, eating fish and squeaking and shit. But I guess they have to draft somebody either way.

13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Ezekiel Elliot, RB, Ohio State
Ehhh, why not? If they were so cool with Jay Ajayi they probably wouldn't have tried to sign away CJ Anderson. This dude is a boss and drafting RBs high is cool again because Todd Gurley is awesome and everybody in the NFL has the attention span of a rainbow trout.

14. OAKLAND RAIDERS - Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor
Well, it's a deep draft for interior DL so they gotta start flying off the board somewhere.

I've read Billings being ranked anywhere from fringe top 10 to 2nd round. I'm in the former group and I'd take him before either of the boring Alabama guys or Nkemdiche. He's a wrecking ball who can also create pressure and he's 19 years old. He's probably going to improve a bit, just like Amobi Okoye....ok, bad example. But still. This guy is a beast and I don't see him falling far.

A'Shawn Robinson plays like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and put on the field. Andrew Billings plays like a burmese python that swallowed Aaron Donald whole. I'll take the python.

15. TENNESSEE TITANS - Karl Joseph, S, WVU
Every year, every mock draft is mostly wrong. So screw convention. 

We're talking about Jayron Smith and Myles Jack's injuries and what their effects will be, but Karl Joseph has a run-of-the-mill ACL injury and he's suddenly a lock 2nd round afterthought? I don't believe it. Karl Joseph is a machine designed to kill (though apparently the knee ligaments were a design flaw) and he's also got the ability to play more of a "free" role and go after the ball. This dude is one of my favorite players in the draft. Seems to be one of most people's favorite players in the draft. So why wouldn't Old Man LeBeau stump for his new Troy Polamalu when the Titans talk about grabbing the 5th best offensive tackle? Answer: he would. Old Man LeBeau is probably wearing a WVU jersey right now and yelling at everybody in Nashville to run to the ball.

16. DETROIT LIONS - Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama
I tried to make a trade here but there's no pass rusher good enough to jump Atlanta for. So if Detroit has to make the pick, I think they'll take an interior DT.

I don't love Jarran Reed but haven't watched all that much. I definitely don't like A'Shawn Robinson, who looks like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and thrown onto the field. I'd preferably put Nkemdiche here but I don't think the new good-guy Lions would take him after the Nick Fairley experiment. So here's a DT off a list. Next.

17. ATLANTA FALCONS - Noah Spence, DE/OLB, Directional Kentucky
The Falcs have been fiending for pass rushers, so I think they'll take a chance on a falling talent. I'm much more worried about "weed guys" than Spence....no one on this planet depents on mollies to start their day. People become dependent on weed, though...almost like caffeine. IMO, again, not a doctor but I did fuck some chick from Backpages.com at a Holiday Inn Express once. I think it's much easier to stop using party drugs than it is to stop toking up. 

I haven't looked at Spence much, so I'm going off what I read. If he sucks he sucks, whatever, ain't my franchise. In that case he'll have a nice job lined up at Home Depot after he washes out of the NFL.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - The Worst Pick in the Draft
Ryan Grigson is so bad at his job. They've squandered the Luck rookie-contract era. He almost got a good coach in Pagano fired. So what does Irsay do? Pops some oxycontins and signs Grigs to an extension. What is the worst pick right now? I'm not even going to look at their roster.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State
How about that. I don't get it with Lee. Yeah, he's fast. Yeah, I guess he played some safety. Deone Buchanan kind of working has made people lose their minds. I just don't think Lee is al that good at either, so he sounds like a Grigson pick. 


19. DENVER BRONCOS - Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
Ok. We talk about how QB is so important, we see St. Louis and Philly trade the farm for two questionable top QB prospects, and we're just gonna right off Lynch because he "may be the most talented QB in this draft but he's a bit raw"? WTF? Lynch ain't making it past the Jets. Maybe the Jets will actually try to trade up to get him. Maybe the Browns will take him. But I always have trades in my draft and this one seems to make sense, assuming Denver has any picks left to trade to Buffalo. Buffalo actually has a damn good roster and they can just grab whoever is BPA at 31 and add some mid-round picks as well to shore everything up.

20. NEW YORK JETS - Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor
The shellshocked Jets take...I don't know, Corey Coleman. Doesn't seem like a need but it's not like teams just line up in the first round and knock down needs. I think Corey Coleman will be a capital S Star and will light the NFL up, even if sad Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing to him after failing to bilk a 2nd team out of multiple millions of dollars. He can play in the slot until all of Brandon Marshall's personalities decide to retire.

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS - Vernon Butler, DT, La. Tech
Washington is another team that can go almost anywhere. So I'll have them grabbing a nose tackle in Vernon Butler. Butler is like a bigger Billings, not quite as explosive but still a force and I think he can play nose. I'm also getting bored. Butler blows shit up, so look for Al Qaeda to draft him if the Redskins pass.

22. HOUSTON TEXANS - Hunter Henry, TE, Arkansas
Houston really needs some offense and they really need a tight end. This is a horrible year for TE but Hunter Henry is graded as a 1st rounder and that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge about him. 

23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
I'm copying this from multiple sites. I don't love Josh Doctson so I can't put my own touch on this. Vikings need a WR, Treadwell needs a good home. Awwwww see how things work out

I don't know why I don't like Doctson. Seems everyone else does. He's big, he's fast enough, he goes up and gets the ball, he's like Mike Evans, who went top 10 in a great draft. I don't know what it is but I'm just not impressed by Doctson on tape. Ehhh. He'll probably ball out and the Bengals are suddenly short on 'ceivers. 

25. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - Darian Thompson, FS, Boise State
Man. All the players I wanted to get to the Steelers are gone (Joseph, Jackson III, Floyd, Billings, even Corey Coleman). So I'll put Thompson here over someone like Nkemdiche. 

He had a rough combine but improved his numbers a bit in the Pro Day and....well, he just looks awesome when you watch his tapes. Everybody says "oh 40 times are stupid, the Combine is dumb" and then they drop guys like Thompson after running poorly. He looks plenty fast on tape, he's big, strong, plays the ball well, looked fluid enough playing some slot corner, he's a baller. I think he's the pick over an Eli Apple or Mack Alexander.

I'm sure I've forgotten somebody but whatever. (EDIT: That somebody is DeForest Buckner but I don't think he's good so I hope it's not him.

26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Any offensive lineman

26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Josh Garnett, OG, Stanford
Seattle's OL is a joke. So they played better in the 2nd half....like 2 of those guys weren't even offensive linemen in college. I have a theory as to why good teams generally have good guards and ILBs - because those guys fall a lot and when you are consistently drafting in the 20s, sometimes you gots to just take the best player available. I think that it's Garnett here, and it fills a huge need. I'd also consider Tyler Boyd. For real. I think he makes a lot of sense here.

27. GREEN BAY PACKERS - Bob Nkemdiche, DE, Ole Miss
Green Bay needs some front 7 help and they seem to have been whiffing on it a lot lately. I think Nkemdiche is easily the most talented DL left and he has a 3-4 DE build, so another team that consistently drafts in the 20s takes a falling talent that matches their scheme. I'm not even gonna look up if they need DEs...I think they do. Nkemdiche is aloof according to everybody but, really, didn't he do something that was technically legal? I don't know. He needs some work finishing plays and finding the ball but he rips through offensive lineman like a hot knife through Mike Adams.

28. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
As fun as it would be to have the Chiefs taking another Pitt WR in the 20s, I'll throw in an athletic projection corner to replace Sean Smith. Apple is not nearly as good as some people make him out to be but he's not nearly as bad as the people who think he's not a top CB seem to make him out to be. He's tall. He's not big, and every time I read that he's strong against the run I laugh for 5 minutes, but he's not small. Just a tall somewhat lanky corner who plays corner pretty well, doesn't get beat deep often and makes a few plays on the ball from time to time. He's fast and athletic enough that he could become a really good corner, although I just cannot see him ever doing anything but getting tossed out of the way by blockers against the run. I wouldn't draft corners to tackle RBs, but I read it so often about Apple and I don't understand what the people paid to watch these guys are actually watching when they say he's a strong run defender. He stops the run in much the same way that Apple stops random people from accessing celebrity nudes. 

Not sure who to put here. No area stands out as a dire need. Who is BPA? Wait....ok let's get wild again.

29. ARIZONA CARDINALS - Connor Cook, QB< Michigan State
Carson Palmer is 37ish and is Carson Palmer. Why? Eh, why not. Don't know much about Cook. Don't care. I'm ready to be done. 

30. CAROLINA PANTHERS - Tyler Boyd, WR, Pitt
I'd love to plug Mackensie Alexander in here to replace Norman but even with Norman's departure, the Panthers glaring lack of talent is in the WR corps, even with Kelvin Benjamin coming back. Cam Newton made TEDDY FUCKING GINN look great. Give him a real bookend WR and plug up the secondary with mid-round corners. There are a ton of them this year.

I think Tyler Boyd is awesome and this late-2nd round talk is nonsense. Hogwash. Applesauce! Mountain Dew Baja Blast! Yeah I've lost myself.

I'm not that high on Ragland. Then again I wasn't that high on CJ Mosley, and Ragland is that type of guy. Not going to blow you away athletically (even Mosley is significantly better in that regard) but the dude just tackles the shit out of people with the ball. That will be the majority of his job description. Hopefully he's just fast enough to not be a huge liability in a passing league but if Brandon Spikes could do it for a few years, Ragland certainly can.

I am so glad these guys cheated because I don't want to do this anymore

It turns out that I forgot to put DeForest Buckner in there. Mainly because I think he's not very good, but it seems like he's a lock to go high in the draft. So let's say he gets arrested before the draft for, I don't know, fuckin' stupid ass weed. He gets caught driving 48 in a 35 and has a joint in the console. Now he's going round 12. 

Ok see yinz in a year!