Wednesday, April 5, 2017

BUSINESS HORSE'S 2017 NFL MOCK DRAFT

It's that time of year again! Time to waste a few hours of my time and 5-10 minutes of yours. 

I probably don't need to state this, but I will anyway: all of these mock selections are foolproof and are guaranteed to actually happen. Bet heavily on them if you are given the opportunity. 

Let's get this fake show on the metaphorical road.


1. Cleveland Browns - MYLES GARRETT, EDGE, TEXAS A&M

With the first pick, the Browns select Myles Garrett from Texas Ass-to-Mouth.

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The Browns shouldn't overthink this...Garrett is one of the best prospects I've ever seen, and he plays a position arguably 2nd to QB in the modern NFL hierarchy. I don't think this is hyperbole. Since 2000 or so, there have only been a few guys in this top class for most people. I pick 2000 since I was like, 13 in 1997 and I wasn't dialing up to Netscape and streaming Shawn Springs games through my RealPlayer. Though that was the Orlando Pace year and he is my gold standard for college OT tape, but I digress. 2000 is even a stretch since I've only paid significant attention since like, 2010 but whatever. Here's who I put in that class:

• Reggie Bush (may sound funny now, but people accused the Texans of purposefully blowing a game to draft him and people really believed this when Kris Brown shanked that field goal)

• Calvin Johnson 

• Andrew Luck

• Khalil Mack

That's it. I put Garrett in that class. (Tangent: A lot of people had Robert Gallery at that level - he was the ultimate "safe can't-fail" guy, IMO - and he's proof that there's no such thing and why I'd never say that about anybody, even Garrett).

Reggie Bush was like a new Barry Sanders in college, and most people thought he'd just dominate the NFL as well. Didn't happen. Calvin Johnson was the ultimate freak athlete wide receiver, with the tape making one hand diving catches behind his back from whoever the hell their QB was to back it up. Matt Millen was a national joke for his WR fetish and even he could not pass on Megatron. No QB has come into the NFL as clearly "franchise ready" as Luck since Peyton Manning, and Luck was a 4.75 40-yard type of athlete on top of it. And Khalil Mack was just an absolute unstoppable animal.

Clowney was not that level of guy, IMO. Neither was Sammy Watkins or Julio Jones or Jalen Ramsey or Larry Fitz. But Garrett is, I think. Usually a top edge rusher's profile will say that this guy is great but he's either a little undersized, he's not the fastest guy, he doesn't have elite bend or flexibility, or he struggles to win with technique. I liked Clowney a lot, but I loved Khalil Mack and thought the Texans should take him #1. Garrett is bigger, faster, and a better rusher technically. He might have the best bend in this class, even though he's like 7'2" and 430 pounds. The cons you are forced to say about Garrett are things like "well there were some plays here where he didn't dominate everybody" and "well I mean he could be a little better setting the edge against the run". You have to stretch. I will be stunned beyond belief if Trubisky goes #1 over Garrett. 

TRADE!

49ers trade the 2nd pick to Jacksonville for the 4th pick, a 3rd rounder this year and let's say a 2nd next year

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - LEONARD FOURNETTE, RB, LSU


That class I mentioned above? I have Fournette in it, too. And I can't seem to make the 49ers pick anybody else with it. Not Jonathan Allen, not Solomon Thomas, not the guy I have them picking at 4 who is the guy I want them to pick here. So it works out. 

The way I worked the Texans getting Mack into my mock that year was to have them trade with Jax, who would take Clowney, and then they would take Mack at 3. Because Jacksonville, in addition to running a 4-3, had been blowing draft picks on shitty pass rushers for years. It had become a thing there and just as important to their identity as those "piss meets shit" helmets that look like someone taught a first time Photoshop user how to use the gradient fill layer in a how-to class.

It didn't work out that way, but I'm not gonna stop going to the Jags well. The Jags are kind of in the same spot they were on the DL at running back, trotting out Toby Gerhardt and TJ Yeldon and Chris Ivory and Michigan QBs in a futile attempt to replace MJD. Why not give up a few picks to jump up and grab a guy who is the best RB prospect since AP in a lot of people's minds, and arguably (well, I'd argue it) even better? Fournette isn't the best all-around RB, that's Dalvin Cook, or maybe Christian McCaffery, or maybe even Joe Mixon. But it's not like he can't catch, they just didn't really utilize him like that at LSU. And more importantly, the #1 with a bullet job of a running back is to, well, take the fuckin' ball and run with it. Yeah, David Johnson and LeVeon Bell get their cocks gobbled because they can take screen passes, jump over a guy and spin around and run 30 yards and shit like that but that wouldn't happen if they weren't also phenomenal at just plain running the ball. There are a boatload of RBs in the past half decade or so that could have spent the night before a game in Lamar Odom's opium den and still been more of a 'complete' RB than Adrian Peterson. But which one of them are you taking over 2012 prime AP? Probably none of them. So why do so many people knock Fournette because you can't motion him into the slot? Who cares?

This guy came to LSU with a Peter North sized load of hype, and he lived up to it almost immediately. He looks like the biggest and fastest guy on the field, at a D-1 school in the SEC. This isn't normal. Guys aren't supposed to go up against Tennessee and have film that looks like a high school phenom. Fournette's does in some cases - it looks like one of those "watch Dez Bryant dominate in high school!" type of videos. I can't think of another player that as ever made me think that. And he was pretty much the LSU offense...I think they have a lineman that might go late and then Malachi Dupre might get drafted in the 4th or something. Teams knew Fournette was the LSU offense and unless slowed by injury or by an Alabama team that has more NFL caliber players than Jacksonville, it didn't matter. This is an absolutely ridiculous draft. It's this draft and 2014 in some order, and then I don't even know who's third. Don't say 2011 - that draft wasn't considered all that great at the time.

3. Chicago Bears - JONATHAN ALLEN, DT/DE, ALABAMA

Alabama guys can be difficult to judge because of their team's borderline NFL rosters, but Allen certainly looks like he's one of the guys that created that environment and not one that just benefitted from it. I think he'll fit great as a 3-4 DE.

This would have been a slam dunk pick a few months ago, because Allen looks like a bigger version of Aaron Donald on tape. Then he went to the Combine and performed more like Aaron Carter. However, I think his tape is too good and Chicago's defense is too bad to go elsewhere with this pick. Maybe they'll take Trubisky - the signing of alien life form Mike Glennon will have no impact on that if they really want to take a QB - but I'm just gonna guess that they continue to add talent to that defense. And really, that's the only side of the ball that's ever seemed to work in Chicago. You can no joke make a decent argument that Smokin' Jay Cutler is the best QB they've had in the Super Bowl era, which is hilarious. Even more hilarious is the top 2 QBs all-time in Chicago in passer rating, minimum 200 attempts: 1. Josh McCown and 2. Brian Hoyer. McCown is still cashing Alshon Jeffery's checks. Hold on a second.

3. Chicago Bears - MITCH TRUBISKY, QB, UNC

That's just too hilarious to not have the Bears taking a shot at a franchise QB in the draft with every decent chance they get. How has this team not drafted QBs every single fuckin' year until they found one? JAY CUTLER AND JIM MCMAHON ARE YOUR BEST QBS SINCE 1950! This guy's gotta be better than Goff, right? All this talk about "oh it's such a shitty year for QBs" a year after the Rams traded hella picks for Jared motherfuckin' Goff? 

I haven't really watched Trubisky but it seems clear he's the top ranked guy and he's at least a legitimate top 10 draft pick...I mean, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker are top 10 draft picks so Trubisky certainly seems like he'd be - do the Bears really pass that up to take a guy who performed in the 10th percentile in most of his Combine drills? I don't think they do after thinking about it for a bit. Look, teams are trying to win first and foremost but they also have fans to please and entertain and excite. Chicago fans are all rah rah defense and whatnot but at some point, I mean, you gotta do better than Jay Cutler as QB of your all-time team. Here are the first round QBs for the Bears since 1970 in order of draft pick:

1. Jim McMahon, 5th overall in 1982
2. CADE MC-GOD-DAMN-NOWN, 11th overall in 1999

Pause to appreciate that this team drafted Cade McNown at 11th overall. 

3. Rex Grossman, 22nd overall in 2003
4. Jim Harbaugh, 26th overall in 1987 (don't argue for him at #1 Bears QB, he sucked there)
5. NOBODY

That's it. The Bears, a team that has never had a legitimate top 10 NFL QB, has taken 4 QBs in the first round since 1970, with the 2nd highest being CADE MCNOWN. He lasted 2 years in the NFL. Even Ryan Leaf and Jamarcus Russell managed to stick around for three. He's underrated in all-time QB busts due to his draft slot but damn, McNown was the Gio Carmazzi of first round QBs. 

So my point is that maybe they should try drafting some QBs. So why not try here? Allen is still on the board.



4. San Francisco 49ers - MALIK HOOKER, FS, OHIO STATE

I seem to have Malik Hooker higher than most people, but he's just ridiculous when the ball is in the air. I've never seen a prospect this good as a centerfield safety, and he's played like 2 years. He's Ed Reed. I don't care if he's getting surgery, this guy is ridiculous and you see how a safety like Earl Thomas makes a defense go.

Only question about him is he run defense - for all the ability he has to run across the field against a vertical route and get the pick, he seems to be a bit hesitant when backs reach the 2nd level. He's just out there throwing shoulders at people much of the time, and this keeps him from also being in that Myles Garrett/Fournette class. If you want a safety that can do that, you'd want Jamal Adams. But Hooker is so damn good against the pass, and that seems to be the most important role of a free safety these days especially, that I think he'll end up being the first safety off the board. He will let you do so much with your coverage schemes by really minimizing that fear of getting beat deep. He's a complete game changer and I think those guys generally go before jack-of-all-trades types like Adams.



5. Tennessee Titans - MARSHON LATTIMORE, CB, OHIO STATE

Tennessee has improved a great deal in the past few years, particular on offense. They don't need OL. They could use a big time WR but I don't think this is the year they would do that, as most of the talent resides on defense. They could certainly use secondary help, though, and so I'll give them Lattimore over a guy like Allen, even though 3-4 teams can always use guys like Allen. Hard to pass on Allen - because often when you need secondary help you really need pass rush help - but there are top notch corners in this draft too because this draft is absolutely ridiculous and why wouldn't there be.

Lattimore is a true eraser of a cornerback. He's big, tall, fast and fluid. Those traits do not often come together. Humphrey out of Alabama is as well, but Lattimore is jusssst a bit faster and quicker and played a ton of press man to Humphrey's zone/off-man and I think he ends up going first among them. These guys get $10+ million contracts in free agency - hell, look at Dre Kirkpatrick and even a guy the Titans let move on in Alterraun Verner - so they are tough to pass up when they come on rookie deals with a 5th year option. I don't think Tennessee passes in this case. And neither will the opposition hahaahahaah get it? Whatever. Go fuck yourself.


6. New York Jets - JONATHAN ALLEN, DT/DE, ALABAMA

Allen has tremendous film but a bad Combine, but then again, so did Terrell Suggs. Already went over him earlier so I'll just slot him to a team that is never afraid to take too many defensive linemen and a team that probably wants to pull out of the Sheldon Richardson experience. Former Jet Antonio Cromartie can advise them of the dangers of pulling out too late. 


7. San Diego Los Angeles Chargers - JAMAL ADAMS, FS/SS, LSU

Jamal Adams is a free safety, but with exceptions for guys like Malik Hooker, I'm usually a "two safeties" guy as opposed to someone who insists on free and strong. I don't know what the Chargers like to run but if they run any Cover 2, it's nice to have two guys who can cover and play the run. Hell, Eric Weddle is a prime example of what I'll call a "box free safety" and he had plenty of success in San Diego. Unfortunately, like most of San Diego's good players in the past decade since AJ Smtih went through menopause and destroyed one of the best rosters we've seen in the 2000s, he gone. So is Jahleel Addae. And Marcus Gilchrist. If they let Jason Verrett walk then I'm convinced that the AJ Smith's ghost has moved with the Chargers to LA. I just remembered now that they are in LA now and will play this year on, like, a high school practice field. 

Anyway, Jamal Adams can pretty much do it all and he can fit into anyone's defense. I'd rather have a Malik Hooker or Kam Chancellor type who is absolutely elite in a particular area, but there aren't many guys like that and it being a box safety who can cover just damn near won Landon Collins DPOY. I didn't like Collins coming out of 'Bama because I didn't think he was that great in coverage but I was wrong on that. I was wrong on that and what he became is what I think Jamal Adams is as a prospect, if that makes sense. Then again, maybe that's the kiss of death, because I hated Joey Bosa as a top 5 pick and he turned out to be historically great as a rookie. Can't win 'em all.


8. Carolina Panthers - SOLOMON THOMAS, DE, STANFORD


I was really tempted to put Humphrey here, because the Panthers really bungled their corner spot last year and spent a lot of draft capital and effort trying to patch up those holes, but in the end, this seems to be a team that goes front 7 on defense and lets the rest of the chips fall as they may. Thomas is getting hyped as a possible first DL off the board this year, and while I don't see teams moving Jonathan Allen that far down over his Combine performance, he's still an elite pass rushing prospect with a particularly explosive sack reel, particularly for a 4-3 team driven by beast DL like Carolina. St. Louis/LA Rams fell off with decline in their DL, but the NY Giants were able to remain truly competitive for years by keeping that 4-3 DL flush with talent. Carolina seems to have the same blueprint. 


9. Cincinnati Bengals - MIKE WILLIAMS, WR, CLEMSON

I'm tempted to slot Humphrey here, as no team seems to be as driven by corners as Cincinnati, but they've drafted so many of them recently and have William Jackson III coming back after an injury redshirt year and there seems to be a lot of corner depth this year. You can't say the same about the WR class, however, and Cincinnti saw a huge decline after letting their #2 and #3 WRs walk and slotting Brandon LaFell and rookie Tyler Boyd across from AJ Green. I think that they draft Williams (or Corey Davis) in an attempt to get back to the 2015 version that was a truly dominant unit. Andy Dalton looked like an actual top-5 QB that year until he broke his thumb on a tackle attempt after daltoning a really bad dalton late in the year. And then AJ McCarron came in and looked like a legit NFL starter. Putting one of these beast WRs across from Green and letting Boyd play in the slot while getting Tyler Eifert back might go a long ways toward turning back the clock for a team that watched their window begin to rapidly shut. 


10. Buffalo Bills - MARLON HUMPHREY, CB, ALABAMA

I mean, why not replace Stephon Gilmore with a Stephon Gilmore type? Strongly considered OJ Howard here but Buffalo is a team that also seems to place a lot of emphasis on the corner spot and in the secondary as a whole, and there aren't that many guys that look and move like Humphrey walking the planet. Though half of them seem to be in the draft this year. I can't say enough how stacked this draft class is, particularly defensively. There are years that don't have a single corner with these kinds of measureables and this year we've got like 4. 


11. New Orleans Saints - JOHN ROSS, WR, WASHINGTON

This may be a head-scratcher, but why not replace Brandin Cooks with someone who is even more electric? Ross isn't just a Combine creation - this guy was killing people all year. He broke both of Adoree' Jackson's ankles, his pelvis and fractured his soul with a double move. The Saints have been drafting WRs high forever because they like to throw 1200 times a year and Ross is a rare bird. He's Corey Coleman again but even faster. The Saints need to draft a ton of defense, but they have New England's first rounder and there's a lot more depth on that side of the ball so I can really see them making a move like this and then drafting defense the rest of the way. The goal is to draft talent first and plug holes second. I have been high on Ross for awhile and I think that anytime you can draft a game-breaker type of player, you should really consider taking that guy even if he doesn't feel a huge need.


12. Cleveland Browns - PAT MAHOMES, QB, TEXAS TECH

The Browns are like the bizarro Bears in that they have had a history of shitty QBs but in contrast to Chicago, they have drafted them high for millions of years with little to nothing to show for it. Also, both teams can probably say that Brian Hoyer is in their top 3 all-time. 

I think it's pretty clear that the Browns would take Carson Wentz if they could do it all over again, but this isn't Hot Tub Time Machine and they can't. You can ask Mark Chmura if you don't believe me. Since they haven't been able to trade for Jimmy Garoppolo (yet), I think they go for talent and ceiling over floor and take Mahomes at 12.

I love Mahomes as a prospect. He comes from one of those 'gimmick' Big 12 offenses but before Mahomes, there was Aaron Rodgers coming from a similarly gimmicky offense. Oh, those QBs can't succeed in the NFL! Look at Kyle Boller! Well, Aaron Rodgers can throw dimes off his back foot across his body 40 yards downfield while running to his right, so it really didn't matter that he took a lot of shotgun snaps or whatever it was with Tedford. Mahomes is the same way. Nobody else except maybe Russell Wilson can throw like this. Mahomes' arm is ridiculous, and he's accurate as hell, and his deep ball is amazing, and he's a pretty decent athlete, and why are we focusing so much on how he took a snap? Imagine if Mahomes had less talent but had the same issues he has now, taking primarily shotgun snaps, having inconsistent footwork, making limited reads...and pretend that his name is Jared Goff. What's the difference? Why are we talking down Mahomes so much on the negatives while completely ignoring all the unbelievable talent that he has and the actual throws he's put on tape? Is Texas Tech that toxic? Just because Kliff fuckin' Kingsbury didn't make it, nobody from that school can? I think Mahomes will be a star and the best QB in this class and I don't see him dropping anywhere near the 2nd round in this draft. Even in the deepest drafts, teams could not help but reaching for Blake Bortleses. This guy actually has real elite QB talent, so I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even make it to pick 12.


13. Arizona Cardinals - REUBEN FOSTER, ILB, ALABAMA

Reuben Foster big-timed a staff member at the Combine and was sent home. Yet I am not banishing him to the 7th round as punishment. Why? Ignoring that it wasn't really the biggest of issues, the main reason is that he's really fuckin' good at football. This guy is all over the field destroying people. Teams like ILBs that are all over the field destroying people. Vontaze Burfict is a literal insane person who has done like actual human sacrifices on the field and he's so good at football that the Bengals pay him a lot of money in spite of that. Foster has one incident, and it's really not all that bad. He could probably get caught snorting coke out of a dead hooker's wilting bush and he'd still go in the 2nd round. 

I really wanted to put OJ Howard here but the Cardinals love to take defensive players and Foster is a really, really good one. He's kinda like Jaylon Smith but with functional nerve endings.



14. Philadelphia Eagles - DEREK BARNETT, DE, TENNESSEE

I really haven't even started throwing out edge guys yet, and in retrospect I'm probably wrong to wait this long. Teams love edge guys. Teams draft edge guys like Justin Blackmon drafts Miller Genuine Drafts. Barnett is a tape over measurables kinda guy, but his tape is damn impressive and he really knows how to turn into the QB once he gets into the tackle - a ton of college guys just run right up the arc, but Barnett bends well and crashes the pocket very consistently. He's like Myles Garrett without the elite speed and explosiveness. In a scheme that made Brandon Graham into a star, why not Barnett? 


15. Indianapolis - OJ HOWARD, TE, ALABAMA

I just can't keep dropping OJ Howard. He's too good. He's the best TE prospect I've ever seen - complete TEs are so rare these days and you don't see guys that are as explosive as Howard also showing an ability to do regular tight end stuff, like block people. The Colts like Jack Doyle but they've seem to have used two tight ends for awhile now, and I don't think that alone would keep them from drafting OJ Howard. The only reason a guy like Howard would fall this far is the continued neglect of the tight end position, but a true stud like Gronkowski can make offenses nearly impossible to defend. I know Indy needs defense defense and more defense, and offensive line of course but there's really no studs this year that would merit a selection over the large pool of BPA type players, but I'm that high on Howard and I think he'd be tough to pass on.


16. Baltimore Ravens - MALIK MCDOWELL

It's the Ravens. There are a lot of pass rushers available. I think the Ravens take a pass rusher because that's what the Ravens do. 

Malik McDowell is a bit of a polarizing prospect - a lot of people hate him and think he'll drop into the 2nd and he does appear to be a bit of a headcase. His interviews are just...there's just a weird vibe he gives off. It's kind of reminiscent of Nkemdiche. And both were destroying OL in their tapes. But McDowell can finish, and Nkemdiche couldn't. I've read that McDowell can disappear, and I obviously haven't watched that much tape, but I didn't really see that. He was consistently throwing guards around and facing double teams and blowing up plays. He looks like he can be an incredible prototype of a 3-4 DE. Could be a risky pick but I have a hard time seeing the Ravens passing that up unless they really like Corey Davis or if maybe OJ Howard falls. I'm gonna give them a guy like McDowell over say a Haason Reddick.


17. Washington Redskins - CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY, RB, USC

Everything says that the Redskins need an ILB, and everyone is mocking Zach Cunningham here. I'm not a huge fan of Zach Cunningham, so I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm gonna give them a running back, because outside of one year of pre-injury Bob Griffin and Alfred Morris and one big game from Robert Kelley, they've had a collection of stiffs at the position since the Clinton Portis era ended. After Dalvin Cook's poor Combine, I'll slot McCaffrey here instead. If McCaffrey goes in the first round, he'll be the first white halfback to be drafted there since John Cappelletti in 1974. But this guy isn't John Riggins. McCaffrey is electric. Boogie woogie woogie.


18. Tennessee Titans - COREY DAVIS, WR, W. MICHIGAN

Tennessee eventually gets their WR, in an attempt to have one guy who is capable of averaging more than 10 yards per reception. I haven't watched much on Davis, but he appears to be pretty damn good, so here Titans, have a receiver. 


19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - CHARLES HARRIS, DE, MISSOURI

The Bucs have been trying to find competent defensive linemen for what seems like 10 years, and I don't think they are done just because Noah Spence looks pretty good. Harris looks explosive as hell on tape coming off the edge, but he didn't time well at all at the Combine and people are dropping him into the second round. I don't think he'll fall that far. This may be early but I don't really feel like giving the Bucs an RB here or Melinfonwu or another corner or Zay Jones - and I think Harris is probably the best fit for them. If Malik McDowell were still on my board I'd probably slot him here. When the hell did Missouri start recruiting all the pass rushers?


Denver Broncos - CAM ROBINSON, OT, ALABAMA

Finally, someone takes an offensive lineman. Watching Ty Sambrailo last year trying to block Justin Houston was like watching Freddy Mercury's immune system trying to block Ebola. It was awful. Someone has to give Trevor Siemian enough time to be mediocre, and I think Robinson can help. He's kind of a plodder but he's stout and he's got some good tape. Showing well against Myles Garrett certainly doesn't hurt his stock.

A year with all of these great edge rushers, and so few competent tackles. No wonder they all look so great on the Youtubes.


21. Detroit Lions - HAASON REDDICK, LB, TEMPLE

This is kind of a weird choice, because Reddick seems like a better fit for a 3-4 team, but Detroit needs help everywhere in the front seven. Reddick can play outside and inside linebacker, hell, maybe he can play 4-3 end. He's an absolute freak who jumped far and ran fast, and was expected to run even faster. If the Vikings can work with Anthony Barr, I think the Lions can work with Reddick. 


22. Miami Dolphins - ADOREE JACKSON, CB, USC

Jackson is more well-known than he probably would be otherwise due to his return abilities and his moonlighting as a WR. But he can play well at corner primarily, and Miami needs people that can do that. If this draft weren't full of ridiculous players and particularly corners, he'd probably be a much higher pick. I'm always tempted to mock pass rushers to Miami but the guys left this year seem more 3-4 than 4-3 to me. 


23. New York Giants - DALVIN COOK, RB, FSU

I know Dalvin Cook had a poor Combine, but I can't let him continue to fall like this. The Giants were thrown into the AP sweepstakes - though I guess sweepstakes is a bad word - but why not just take a guy like Cook if he falls to you? This dude can do just about everything and I watched him destroy Michigan live a few months ago in Turnpike Stadium, so I'm putting that over the timed metrics. He can run in any system, he finds holes, he has great vision and runs to daylight and all those cliches, and they can split him out wide and throw him 60 yard go routes. This will be the latest addition to put the Giants over the edge and make them an unstoppable juggernaut, according to Giants fans.


TRADE - NY Jets trade 2nd round pick and 3rd round pick and a 2nd rounder in 2018 and also some bullshit pick in 2018, like 9th rounder or something, and maybe a punter or whatever

24. NY Jets - DESHONE KIZER, QB, NOTRE DAME

This is probably stupid, but how can the Jets keep never having a QB? There's always trades and so I have to throw a few in here. Why this spot? Well, it's close enough to the 2nd round that it may not require a king's ransom, it's a deep draft, and nobody left screams to be the Raiders pick right here. So I can see it. Also, if you want a QB, you probably need to jump ahead of the idiot Texans, who continue to waste one of the league's better defenses with QBs they bought at TJ Maxx. Why is Brian Hoyer the best QB of the past 5 years for like, 3 NFL teams? 

Anyway, I haven't watched much at all of Kizer. I don't know if I like him or not. I do know that I read in multiple places that he has the best skillset of all these QBs, so I'll throw this trade in there just for the sake of having one. QBs are QBs and I don't care how uninspiring this year's choices are or how stacked the rest of the draft is - even in another stacked year, Johnny Manziel got the Browns to trade back into the first and take him just by texting the Browns. I think Kizer has a shot to be this year's Paxton Lynch.


25. Houston Texans - DAVIS WEBB, QB, CAL

Can the Texans continue passing up on QBs? If Derek Carr were anything else - Derek Smith, Derek Jefferson, Derek Andthedominoes - the Texans probably would have taken him a few years ago and been a legit Super Bowl contender. But they didn't, and then they experienced a full year of Brock Osweiler, and now I think they take another of this year's toolsy QBs that people just don't like for some reason. I was gonna put Watson here, even though I am a bit scared off by Watson's consistent inaccuracy and misses to wide open WRs - sometimes he looks like Marcus Mariota with vertigo - that I'm gonna put Davis Webb here instead.

I know NOTHING about Davis Webb. I just read that he's "rising up draft boards" and he's "gonna be a first rounder" and "could be the best QB in the this draft" (couldn't anyone?), and so I'm gonna blindly say this is the pick where people go "who?". Someone please come into Houston and start throwing the ball to DeAndre Hopkins pleeeeeaaassseeee


26. Seattle Seahawks - RYAN RAMCYZK, OT, WISCONSIN

Another guy I know nothing about, but Seattle's line is such hot garbage that it probably started the Centralia mine fire. So draft some linemen. 


27. Kansas City Chiefs - OBI MELINFONWU, FS/SS, UCONN

Kansas City needs some secondary help, and Obi Melinfonwu is secondary help. He's not just a Combine wonder, the guy has some tape where he is just striding across the entire field in like 4 steps. And it worked for Byron Jones, so why not? Melinfonwu is not Kam Chancellor in that he's not going to come up and pop you, though he is fine coming up and stopping the run - I just expected more violence in his hits. But that's not the main job description. Melinfonwu reminds me of George Iloka, a big, tall strider that can probably play corner, too. I really would try him out at corner, and I think he could be ridiculous there. 6'4" burner that can move laterally? That's just rare as hell...except for this year, of course. I haven't even figured out where to slot Kevin King yet.


28. Dallas Cowboys - GAREON CONLEY, CB, OHIO STATE

Dallas could use a pass rusher, but they could arguably use a corner more and I think Conley is a better prospect than is available in the 2nd tier of the edge class. Conley is another athletic phenom (so many guys this year have wide athletic webs) who can move both straight forward and side to side. In fact, he might be the second most fluid corner in this class behind Tre White. I can't put Takk McKinley here with Conley still on the board...and does Dallas even have any corners left at this point?



29. Green Bay Packers - KEVIN KING, CB, WASHINGTON

Another damn corner? All I heard last year was "man, Green Bay's corners suck!", so I guess I'll give them one. Kevin King's athletic web is INSANE. Wtf? He makes some of the other guys look pedestrian. This motherfucker is 6'3", 200+ lbs, runs a 4.4, has 95TH PERCENTILE AGILITY NUMBERS, he just can't bench press. If he could bench press then he might legitimately have the best athletic web of any corner in this history of dudes in borderline gay shorts running in circles around cones. This is Richard Sherman after a summer training with David Boston and Mark McGwire. 

And he can play, too. Now he can play in Green Bay. Hope he likes Big Lots.

Actually Green Bay is a pretty cool town with some bad-ass breweries. But he's an athlete so he probably shouldn't drink too many nitro porters.


30. Pittsburgh Steelers - JORDAN WILLIS, OLB, KANSAS ST

This was tough. If I could think of a trade-down scenario for Pittsburgh, I'd put it here. I'd give them any of the corners just taken, Melinfonwu, OJ Howard...I'm considering David Njoku but I just don't see it...Budda Baker as well but I just don't see it....Zay Jones but I just don't see it....I think they end up taking the edge guy in this case and I guess it will be Willis. It might be Carl Lawson, it might be Takk McKinley, it might be TJ Watt, but for some reason I see Willis' metrics and his production and think he might be the guy here. 

I don't love this pick or really even like it. But I gotta put somebody here so Willis it is.


31. Atlanta Falcons - DAVID NJOKU, TE, MIAMI

This is a tough one as well. I don't see a DL that jumps at me as the pick here. It seems like the Falcons have been trying to find a TE forever, though, so I'll slot Njoku here. He's not OJ Howard but the potential to be OJ Howard is there, and I think it's going to get him into the first round.


32. New Orleans Saints - BUDDA BAKER, FS/SS, WASHINGTON

Not sure how much sense this makes, but New Orleans needs help everywhere on defense and I just wanted to put Baker into the first round. He does so many Troy Polamalu-esque things that I don't think he's going to be a late 2nd or 3rd rounder like I often see him mocked. So he can go down to New Orleans, drink a couple hurricanes, piss on some painted lady in the street, jerk off next to a police horse, check out some 48 year old Iowa housewife's floppy tits and then go and blow up some stretch runs on Sundays. 

Guess that's it. Didn't put the three guys I don't really like (Cunningham, Taco Charlton and Jabrill Peppers) in the first. Couldn't put Watson in the first with his lowlight reel of misfired passes. I would have legit "first round grades" on Zay Jones, Takk McKinley, Tim Williams, Carl Lawson, probably Jarrad Davis, Joe Mixon (yeah yeah), Jourdan Lewis, perhaps Raekwon McMillan (probably alone in that one but I think he's better than Reggie Ragland), and probably some others. It's a ridiculous draft year, and Ryan Grigson isn't around to pick the bust out of this group. 

There's also a guy named Fish Smithson.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

BUSINESS HORSE 2016 MOCK DRAFT EXTRAVAGANZA

Nowhere else to put this, so it's going on here. 

If the fuckers on TV can do shitty mock drafts, why can't I? This also makes watching the draft more enjoyable for me, and certainly more enjoyable than it was for young men in the Vietnam War era. As always, this is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Jk, it's not, I do what I want I'm a grown ass man



1. LA RAMS - Jared Goff, QB, California
Before recently, the hype train for Goff had been mainly underground, leading to his nickname of "Subway Jared". Then the Rams traded like 6 picks to move up to number 1, and nothing happened because they assumed they were going to draft Carson Wentz. However, some brilliant people then connected the dots to realize that a) Carson Wentz is some random-ass dude who probably fucks free range bison in North Dakota for sport and b) Goff went to college a mere 8 hours or so from LA. I mean, it's perfect! I haven't paid much attention to either of these QBs but everyone says Goff is the pick. I don't want to watch any QBs this year so that works for me. It will be interesting to see if Goff is strong enough to fight off the effects of witchcraft after he arrives to training camp and Jeff Fisher casts a level 25 Mediocrity Spell. 

2. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota
I never have any idea what the Eagles are doing. It's certainly weird to trade away all of your picks after Chip Kelly isn't even there to fuck them up anymore. It's extremely odd to pay Chase Daniel in Lunchables let alone give him $7 million per annum. And now they have pissed off Princess Sam Bradford to move up and get the QB Bridesmaid, likely to be Lumberjack Ryan Tannehill. I mean Carson Wentz. 


Wentz actually has Andrew Luck-esque measurables, so maybe he'll be good. I don't know. 

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - Jalen Ramsey, CB/S, Florida State
I've read Tunsil mocked to this spot quite often, and I just do not see it. I'm also listing Ramsey as a CB/S as most sites seem to do this, but to me he's a corner, at least through his rookie contract. I guess he's Charles Woodson, though I think he'll be a better CB than Woodson was as most teams seem to be playing more zone now.


Ramsey is big, physical, strong and aggressive and he's a smart dude, too. He's no Antonio Cromartie. Kind of reminds me of a young Cromartie, though - when Cromartie was young he was a freakish corner and Ramsey appears to be the same. He's got some Marcus Peters in him but while maybe not as strong and feisty (who is), he's more fluid. Peters made some big plays but he also got beat a lot. 


One area where I wasn't as impressed as the others was his pure man coverage - Ramsey doesn't seem to physically press (maybe that's FSU's scheme, just turn and run?) and he gets lost in man coverage sometimes - but nobody's perfect. Everybody hates Cam Newton now because God forbid dudes trained to break each other in half on a field act like something other than foreign dignitaries at all times and Ramsey can be a bit cocky, so I'm sure people will complain about that after he's drafted. I'll continue thinking that it's dumb. 


Of all the possible comparisons, the one I see the most for Ramsey's ceiling is a significantly more athletic version of Richard Sherman. As a bad case scenario (I mean worst case is always that he just blows ass or gets hit by a bus or something, so I'm thinking merely bad), he's probably Cromartie. Do you take that 3rd overall? Hell yeah you do, and you thank the deity of your choice that there are 2 decent enough QBs this year to push him down.

4. DALLAS COWBOYS - Shit.
I have no idea where to go with this one. I think Bosa is overrated as hell and will not put up significant sack numbers in the NFL. He's strong as hell and will probably set the hell out of the edge and blow up some running plays but you don't draft that 4th overall, do you? I think Bosa is probably best set as a new-breed 3-4 "playmaking" DE, and the Cowboys already have one 3-4 prototype playing 4-3 DE in Randy Gregory. Assuming he stops doing whatever he's doing.


Shaq Lawson? I think he's a bit of an oaf despite his measurables telling a different tale but that was as a 3-4 OLB. Maybe he is worthy of this pick as a traditional DE?


I don't think Myles Jack is the best scheme fit....but they could drop Ro McClain in time and put Jack in the middle after he plays some OLB. Assuming his knee checks out. I think Jack is best suited to be a 3-4 ILB where he could be Ryan Shazier on steroids but it's all 4-3 teams at the top.


Would anyone trade up for Tunsil? (scanning) Probably not. I bet the Ravens will just take whoever falls between Tunsil and the defensive linemen. 


Could the Cowboys take Shawn Oakman to replace Greg Hardy? Jk jk


I need to look up DeForest Buckner.


Verdict: Why do so many people love DeForest Buckner? Let's get weird.


DALLAS COWBOYS - Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
I hate this pick, but weird shit happens every year and this is a meaningless mock draft so yinz can all blow me. I haven't watched that much Lawson tape but I know I just don't like Bosa like many people tend to and I don't think NFL scouts will either. In a perfect world, Ramsey falls to 4 but this ain't a perfect world. If it were, Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon would teammates outside of rehab flag football.


I would like the Cowboys to trade down and get Hargreaves but I can't make it happen and they reallllllly need DL. The Cowboys just noted to the media that they intend to stay at no. 4, which seems like something a team that wants to trade would say to answer a question that nobody was really asking.

5. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS - Myles Jack, ILB/OLB, UCLA
Rumors say that Jack's knee is made out of Sam Bradfordium, a rare and unstable element that in its purest form only has a half-life of 1.32 seasons. But pre-draft rumor is just that and I have no idea how much stock to put into that. The issue is a meniscus, which can cause long-term wear issues in the knee similar to ones Dwynaneyane Wade has experienced, though Wade had his meniscus removed and I'm not a fuckin' doctor so take that with a Wilfork-sized grain of salt. 


If Jack is healthy, he's Luke Kuechly mixed with some Ryan Shazier, IMO. Potentially the best ILB in the NFL if he hits his ceiling. Usually ILB don't go this early (I think Jack is best suited for ILB simply because I think ILBs have more playmaking opportunities if you exclude pass rushing), but this isn't a great year and Jack is that good and Kuechly is a boss and Bobby Wagner really makes the Seahawks defense go and things change, yo.

6. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
I think this pick would take all of 12 seconds to make. I wanted to put Hargreaves here just to be different but I couldn't do it. Tunsil is a great athlete with great technique who just seems to do everything well. I'm not good enough at offensive line to compare him to anybody - so I'm going to compare him to Orlando Pace with a moderate hangover. Like not throwing up every play but he's a bit dizzy from drinking so much ok I just made that up and that makes no sense but Tunsil is....is he like a bigger Tyron Smith? Is he like a version of Levi Brown that had 3 wishes and wished to be better at football three times? Is he Tony Boselli in blackface? I don't even remember why Tony Boselli was good but that would be a pretty sweet nickname for everybody on TV to dance around. 


If I were the Cowboys I would offer to trade with Baltimore for little in return, like maybe a 5th rounder, assuming they agree on Bosa and Buckner. Which they probably don't. Jerrah probably loves Bosahh.

7. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS - Leonard Floyd, OLB, Georgia
Whoa, what? Shit's gettin wildddddddddddd


This isn't really a pure mock of what I think is going to happen, it's just something I do when I'm bored and a bit of a hobby so I'm going to have the 49ers take one of my favorite players in the draft who also happens to have that highly sought after ability to rush the QB off the edge. Floyd is skinny but he can totes get some HGH and he's a great athlete. This ain't Jarvis Jones - Floyd is not only probably the best athlete of the edge guys in this class, he's also rather advanced in technique compared to many of them. He has a few moves! That seems to be a lot when looking at college guys. 


He also played in a 3-4 in college, as the 49ers use. He isn't exactly good in coverage but at least he has some experience and he seems to have the athleticism to potentially improve there. I don't know man, I'm just not seeing it with Bosa. The 49ers shocked me years ago and took some random dude named Aldon, so why not do it again? Who knows, perhaps this guy won't be drinking on his way to practice. 

8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
You know...as much as I like the idea of Bosa as a 3-4 DE, I just can't bring myself to do it.


8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
I would consider Hargreaves too but I'm just thinking that the Browns may have corner fatigue. 


This seems really high for Conklin, but I got around to watching him recently and I really liked him. I'm not a huge Ronnie Stanley fan. I keep reading that Conklin is destined for RT in the NFL and I don't believe it (primarily because LT/RT has become blurred - you can put your best OT at left tackle and watch Von Miller line up on your right) - but for now that's what he is. This is already getting carried away. 

9. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
I refuse to say THE Ohio State, unless I'm making fun of Ohio State. Which is deserved because Ohio is everyone's least favorite state. My 2nd least favorite state is I have no idea.


Bosa's fall stops at 9, hypothetically, in this waste of time exercise, where the Bucs have been trying forever to find somebody who doesn't suck to play end. I don't think Bosa sucks, I just don't see top-5 talent. Yes, he beat a triple team once. Yes, he's pushed a few guys into the QBs lap. Yeah, he had a ton of sacks and tackles for loss (so did Jarvis Jones). I just see a lot of doing nothing in between all of these big plays and I don't see much ability to get to the QB outside of pure strength. There's no great moves, there's no beating tackles around the corner, I dunno...I just don't see it. He seems like he'll be solid but not spectacular. He's like a 30 year old chick's tits. Joey "30 Year Old Tits" Bosa. I like the sound of that. Should catch on. 

10. NEW YORK GIANTS - Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
The Giants could realistically take just about anybody here and it would be a sensible pick, but I like Hargreaves the most and they just gave up like, the most yards ever in the history of color television. Signing Janoris Jenkins to a Too Many Years Too Many Dollars contract might help but when you give up 40,000 yards, one guy isn't going to fix your secondary. 


Hargreaves III is not getting enough respect, IMO. He doesn't have the top end speed of William Jackson III or Eli Apple and doesn't have the height either, but his combine numbers show great quickness and that shows up in the games and he is light years ahead of the other corners technically. And that includes Ramsey. This is the only guy who looks like he is playing corner. He's everything people want Mackensie Alexander to be. 


People are talking about Hargreaves in the same breath as guys like Jackson and Apple....I'm not. I don't even know how Eli Apple got into this conversation. I don't hate him but I wouldn't draft Eli Apple in the top 20 with Matt Millen's dick.

11. CHICAGO BEARS - Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
Holy Christ, I have no idea who Chicago's LT is. What is a Charles Leno? Ronnie Stanley is a true oaf but the dude is strong as hell and when he gets his hands on people, they move where he makes them move. They move very slowly but they move nonetheless. This may be a dumb pick but this isn't my job so fuck Charles Leno. GET BETTER CHARLES LENO

12. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - WIlliam Jackson III, CB, Houston
The Saints are garbage in a lot of places but nowhere are they trashier than corner. Brandon Browner was in a wheelchair last season and Keenan Lewis is getting old and ineffective. Enter BJ3!


BJ3 isn't the most technically sound corner and he gets beat a lot but he also makes a ton of interceptions. He's big and fast and feisty and he's a poor man's Marcus Peters. Maybe not even a poor man but a man who had a decent investment portfolio but put too much of it into oil and gas and he's taken a bit of a hit. But his can-do spirit is intact and he's going to get right back at it and try to make that money back, preferably not depending too heavily on commodities to do so. Jackson III is that guy's version of Marcus Peters.

13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Somebody Boring and Shitty, Some Stupid College
Hmmm. The Dolphins continue being boring as hell without any giant gaping holes (though Brazzers is nearby) but not too many areas of great strength. They should only have one uniform color, and it should be grey. And their logo should not be a Dolphin but instead just a seal. Just a regular seal going about his day on a rock, not causing any harm and just like, eating fish and squeaking and shit. But I guess they have to draft somebody either way.


13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Ezekiel Elliot, RB, Ohio State
Ehhh, why not? If they were so cool with Jay Ajayi they probably wouldn't have tried to sign away CJ Anderson. This dude is a boss and drafting RBs high is cool again because Todd Gurley is awesome and everybody in the NFL has the attention span of a rainbow trout.

14. OAKLAND RAIDERS - Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor
Well, it's a deep draft for interior DL so they gotta start flying off the board somewhere.


I've read Billings being ranked anywhere from fringe top 10 to 2nd round. I'm in the former group and I'd take him before either of the boring Alabama guys or Nkemdiche. He's a wrecking ball who can also create pressure and he's 19 years old. He's probably going to improve a bit, just like Amobi Okoye....ok, bad example. But still. This guy is a beast and I don't see him falling far.


A'Shawn Robinson plays like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and put on the field. Andrew Billings plays like a burmese python that swallowed Aaron Donald whole. I'll take the python.


15. TENNESSEE TITANS - Karl Joseph, S, WVU
Every year, every mock draft is mostly wrong. So screw convention. 


We're talking about Jayron Smith and Myles Jack's injuries and what their effects will be, but Karl Joseph has a run-of-the-mill ACL injury and he's suddenly a lock 2nd round afterthought? I don't believe it. Karl Joseph is a machine designed to kill (though apparently the knee ligaments were a design flaw) and he's also got the ability to play more of a "free" role and go after the ball. This dude is one of my favorite players in the draft. Seems to be one of most people's favorite players in the draft. So why wouldn't Old Man LeBeau stump for his new Troy Polamalu when the Titans talk about grabbing the 5th best offensive tackle? Answer: he would. Old Man LeBeau is probably wearing a WVU jersey right now and yelling at everybody in Nashville to run to the ball.

16. DETROIT LIONS - Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama
I tried to make a trade here but there's no pass rusher good enough to jump Atlanta for. So if Detroit has to make the pick, I think they'll take an interior DT.


I don't love Jarran Reed but haven't watched all that much. I definitely don't like A'Shawn Robinson, who looks like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and thrown onto the field. I'd preferably put Nkemdiche here but I don't think the new good-guy Lions would take him after the Nick Fairley experiment. So here's a DT off a list. Next.

17. ATLANTA FALCONS - Noah Spence, DE/OLB, Directional Kentucky
The Falcs have been fiending for pass rushers, so I think they'll take a chance on a falling talent. I'm much more worried about "weed guys" than Spence....no one on this planet depents on mollies to start their day. People become dependent on weed, though...almost like caffeine. IMO, again, not a doctor but I did fuck some chick from Backpages.com at a Holiday Inn Express once. I think it's much easier to stop using party drugs than it is to stop toking up. 


I haven't looked at Spence much, so I'm going off what I read. If he sucks he sucks, whatever, ain't my franchise. In that case he'll have a nice job lined up at Home Depot after he washes out of the NFL.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - The Worst Pick in the Draft
Ryan Grigson is so bad at his job. They've squandered the Luck rookie-contract era. He almost got a good coach in Pagano fired. So what does Irsay do? Pops some oxycontins and signs Grigs to an extension. What is the worst pick right now? I'm not even going to look at their roster.


18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State
How about that. I don't get it with Lee. Yeah, he's fast. Yeah, I guess he played some safety. Deone Buchanan kind of working has made people lose their minds. I just don't think Lee is al that good at either, so he sounds like a Grigson pick. 

TRADE - DENVER TRADES SOME SHIT TO BUFFALO FOR THE 19TH PICK


19. DENVER BRONCOS - Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
Ok. We talk about how QB is so important, we see St. Louis and Philly trade the farm for two questionable top QB prospects, and we're just gonna right off Lynch because he "may be the most talented QB in this draft but he's a bit raw"? WTF? Lynch ain't making it past the Jets. Maybe the Jets will actually try to trade up to get him. Maybe the Browns will take him. But I always have trades in my draft and this one seems to make sense, assuming Denver has any picks left to trade to Buffalo. Buffalo actually has a damn good roster and they can just grab whoever is BPA at 31 and add some mid-round picks as well to shore everything up.

20. NEW YORK JETS - Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor
The shellshocked Jets take...I don't know, Corey Coleman. Doesn't seem like a need but it's not like teams just line up in the first round and knock down needs. I think Corey Coleman will be a capital S Star and will light the NFL up, even if sad Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing to him after failing to bilk a 2nd team out of multiple millions of dollars. He can play in the slot until all of Brandon Marshall's personalities decide to retire.

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS - Vernon Butler, DT, La. Tech
Washington is another team that can go almost anywhere. So I'll have them grabbing a nose tackle in Vernon Butler. Butler is like a bigger Billings, not quite as explosive but still a force and I think he can play nose. I'm also getting bored. Butler blows shit up, so look for Al Qaeda to draft him if the Redskins pass.

22. HOUSTON TEXANS - Hunter Henry, TE, Arkansas
Houston really needs some offense and they really need a tight end. This is a horrible year for TE but Hunter Henry is graded as a 1st rounder and that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge about him. 

23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
I'm copying this from multiple sites. I don't love Josh Doctson so I can't put my own touch on this. Vikings need a WR, Treadwell needs a good home. Awwwww see how things work out

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS - Josh Doctson, WR, TCU
I don't know why I don't like Doctson. Seems everyone else does. He's big, he's fast enough, he goes up and gets the ball, he's like Mike Evans, who went top 10 in a great draft. I don't know what it is but I'm just not impressed by Doctson on tape. Ehhh. He'll probably ball out and the Bengals are suddenly short on 'ceivers. 

25. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - Darian Thompson, FS, Boise State
Man. All the players I wanted to get to the Steelers are gone (Joseph, Jackson III, Floyd, Billings, even Corey Coleman). So I'll put Thompson here over someone like Nkemdiche. 


He had a rough combine but improved his numbers a bit in the Pro Day and....well, he just looks awesome when you watch his tapes. Everybody says "oh 40 times are stupid, the Combine is dumb" and then they drop guys like Thompson after running poorly. He looks plenty fast on tape, he's big, strong, plays the ball well, looked fluid enough playing some slot corner, he's a baller. I think he's the pick over an Eli Apple or Mack Alexander.


I'm sure I've forgotten somebody but whatever. (EDIT: That somebody is DeForest Buckner but I don't think he's good so I hope it's not him.

26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Any offensive lineman


26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Josh Garnett, OG, Stanford
Seattle's OL is a joke. So they played better in the 2nd half....like 2 of those guys weren't even offensive linemen in college. I have a theory as to why good teams generally have good guards and ILBs - because those guys fall a lot and when you are consistently drafting in the 20s, sometimes you gots to just take the best player available. I think that it's Garnett here, and it fills a huge need. I'd also consider Tyler Boyd. For real. I think he makes a lot of sense here.

27. GREEN BAY PACKERS - Bob Nkemdiche, DE, Ole Miss
Green Bay needs some front 7 help and they seem to have been whiffing on it a lot lately. I think Nkemdiche is easily the most talented DL left and he has a 3-4 DE build, so another team that consistently drafts in the 20s takes a falling talent that matches their scheme. I'm not even gonna look up if they need DEs...I think they do. Nkemdiche is aloof according to everybody but, really, didn't he do something that was technically legal? I don't know. He needs some work finishing plays and finding the ball but he rips through offensive lineman like a hot knife through Mike Adams.

28. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
As fun as it would be to have the Chiefs taking another Pitt WR in the 20s, I'll throw in an athletic projection corner to replace Sean Smith. Apple is not nearly as good as some people make him out to be but he's not nearly as bad as the people who think he's not a top CB seem to make him out to be. He's tall. He's not big, and every time I read that he's strong against the run I laugh for 5 minutes, but he's not small. Just a tall somewhat lanky corner who plays corner pretty well, doesn't get beat deep often and makes a few plays on the ball from time to time. He's fast and athletic enough that he could become a really good corner, although I just cannot see him ever doing anything but getting tossed out of the way by blockers against the run. I wouldn't draft corners to tackle RBs, but I read it so often about Apple and I don't understand what the people paid to watch these guys are actually watching when they say he's a strong run defender. He stops the run in much the same way that Apple stops random people from accessing celebrity nudes. 

29. ARIZONA CARDINALS - No idea
Not sure who to put here. No area stands out as a dire need. Who is BPA? Wait....ok let's get wild again.


29. ARIZONA CARDINALS - Connor Cook, QB< Michigan State
Carson Palmer is 37ish and is Carson Palmer. Why? Eh, why not. Don't know much about Cook. Don't care. I'm ready to be done. 

30. CAROLINA PANTHERS - Tyler Boyd, WR, Pitt
I'd love to plug Mackensie Alexander in here to replace Norman but even with Norman's departure, the Panthers glaring lack of talent is in the WR corps, even with Kelvin Benjamin coming back. Cam Newton made TEDDY FUCKING GINN look great. Give him a real bookend WR and plug up the secondary with mid-round corners. There are a ton of them this year.


I think Tyler Boyd is awesome and this late-2nd round talk is nonsense. Hogwash. Applesauce! Mountain Dew Baja Blast! Yeah I've lost myself.

31. BUFFALO BILLS - REGGIE RAGLAND, ILB, Alabama
I'm not that high on Ragland. Then again I wasn't that high on CJ Mosley, and Ragland is that type of guy. Not going to blow you away athletically (even Mosley is significantly better in that regard) but the dude just tackles the shit out of people with the ball. That will be the majority of his job description. Hopefully he's just fast enough to not be a huge liability in a passing league but if Brandon Spikes could do it for a few years, Ragland certainly can.

32. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - No pick
I am so glad these guys cheated because I don't want to do this anymore



It turns out that I forgot to put DeForest Buckner in there. Mainly because I think he's not very good, but it seems like he's a lock to go high in the draft. So let's say he gets arrested before the draft for, I don't know, fuckin' stupid ass weed. He gets caught driving 48 in a 35 and has a joint in the console. Now he's going round 12. 

Ok see yinz in a year!