Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Fashed Potatoes 3 - Old Lady Loubs

I hate Louboutin shoes.

I don't give the slightest featherweight fuck that the bottom of a shoe is red. It does not concern me. The bottoms of many shoes are many different colors. Why one particular brand being red is such a big deal is beyond me - $7 Starter athletic shorts are reversible and no one sucks their dicks over it, probably because in every other non-Louboutin walk of life, nobody sucks dicks over a color.

On top of that, these shoes, which were described to me as "gorgeous" and "classic" and "I need to have these" and "I should probably just spend all of my money on shoes because money is an arbitrary concept that only works due to our faith in it and if say some bankers in Iowa conspired to artificially alter its value so they could arbitrage corn or some shit we could end up in a new-age, millenial civil war and if I die in a civil war I'm going to be fabulous while doing so". I may have made that last one up. want them in OLD LADY?

Look at those things and tell me that you can't see Blanche Deveraux rocking them to the max. That is the color of menopause. Nobody that wears these shoes ovulates.

Here's how Neiman-Marcus describes them:

"Reach new heights with the Christian Louboutin "So Kate" pump - a seemingly classic shape that's saucy in glossy patent with leg-lifting elevation."

Ok - where to start first. I'll just ignore how stupid the name is.

"Seemingly" classic - what do you mean, seemingly? How is that a good thing? Add seemingly to some sentences and see how reassuring it makes them.

- "She was seemingly STD free when we hooked up"
- "Yeah he's seemingly sober enough to drive"
- "You would seemingly be safe locked in a hotel room for an hour with Bill Cosby"

Secondly - saucy. Trying too hard, Neiman. You aren't edgy. The only reason these shoes are saucy is because if you wear them you are an old lady and thus you are probably quite often making sauce.

And finally, glossy patent isn't a color. It's something you use when you don't want to say the real color, which is old lady carnation.

So in summary, don't buy Blanche Deveraux's shoes. Get these things outta the Stable!

Monday, January 12, 2015

Fashed Potatoes 2 - Absurdly Expensive Boots

I've been reminded that the potatoes are piling up and they need to be fashed. Today I bring you some stupid $800 boots.

Above are some Stuart Weitzman Highland boots, which my stablemate Nicole has been fantasizing over for about two months and finally bought because she realized that she does indeed have $800 that could be turned into one single pair of boots. These boots are apparently all kinds of pluralized apocopations, such as "phenoms" and "increds". I see some plain kneehigh boots that are cool enough but not worth $800, which puts them into the same category in which I place all boots ever created by humankind. The Highland boots differ from most absurdly overpriced boots in that they have burlap sack tie-cords attached to the top and can hold over 4 cubic liters of orphan tears.

I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news first is that for the price of these boots you could lease a Hyundai Elantra for like 4 months and drive it about 4,000 miles before hitting your mileage limit. The good news is that you could walk 10 hours a day at the average walking speed of 3.1 mph in these stupid boots and also get to about 4,000 miles. It's up to you to determine how you want to get from point A to point who gives a shit.

You could buy a PS4 for the price of these boots, destroy it with a hammer in front of a poor kid and still have enough money left over to buy a replacement PS4.

For $800, you could adopt 16 Snow Leopard cubs. Think of how many leopard coats you could turn them into in a few years It pays to think about your future.

$800 probably buys lifetime WNBA season tickets for the Phoenix Mercury. Put on some flip flops and take the whole family! You can either wear big-name boots or watch Britney Griner barely dunk all over some poor girls playing for the LA Sparx. I know my choice - I'm going with GrineTime.

The boots are fine but - $800 for some boots, man. That don't jive with the Horse. I suggest pairing these with a $2000 designer purse and showing up 2 hours late to show the commoners who really means fashion. You're weak, I'm chic, DEAL WITH IT.

Until next time, keep wasting your money on shoes.