It's that time again - it's late but it's still that time
assuming you're reading this. It's time for the annual Business Horse mock
draft. It was annual before but under different names, and, of course, it was
100% correct. The following NFL draft selections are guaranteed to play out in
NYC.
1. HOUSTON TEXANS
There's no way the Texans want this pick. Clowney is insanely beastish but does
not appear to me to be an ideal candidate to switch to 3-4 OLB or to be the rush-neutered
block-sponge that many 3-4 DEs are molded into. Khalil Mack, on the other hand,
IS Von Miller. To the point that Mack may be on molly right now, sweating. Woo.
So how can the Texans trade down and still have a shot at Mack? I GOT IT
Trade with JAX - 1st
overall for the Jags's 3rd overall and let's say 2nd rounder this year and 4th
rounder next year that becomes a 2nd if the Texans fail to get Mack. Holy shit
can you do that? I think I just invented something that might be illegal.
1. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
SELECT JADAVEON CLOWNEY, DE, SOME OTHER PLANET
The Jags have been
looking for pass rushers since Steve McNair were alive and they've been largely
fruitless since. You may say, "well, Biz, why don't they just take
Mack?". Well, I like Mack a lot but, Gus Bradley runs the same defense
Seattle does and monster DEs make that system go. Plus, the Jags are the only
team close enough to Houston that the Texans wouldn't ask for a king's ransom
to make the move down. (Well, Rams too but I cannot see them trading up). Houston
most likely really, really wants Mack and can't go down past 3 or 4 to have a
shot at him. I don't think the Rams will take him and I don't think anybody
will trade up with the Rams for Mack. Maybe for Manziel, which is another point
- the Jags haven't had a QB since David Garrard, which, when you say
"haven't had a QB since David Garrard" really reinforces how bad
they've been at the position. So why not take Manziel? Well, even if they do
believe in him, they could fear he goes 2nd to someone that flips with St Louis
and they get fucked again. I think a Clowney that pans out would make that
defense go.
Secondly, on Clowney -
of course he took it easy last year. He didn't quit, but he didn't fight
through injuries and play balls out all the time through triple teams but, why
would he? Looking at it Businessally, it was the right move. If you were
selling a car for $1 mil next week, you aren't going to say "well let's
take it on one more drag race". And if people worry about "oh, what's
he going to do in the NFL once he gets paid and has another big contract coming
up" - it's marginal utility, dog. The difference between $0 and $10
million is so much bigger than the difference between $15 million and $30
million. I'm betting that Clowney dominates in the NFL.
2. ST LOUIS RAMS
Hmmm, who trades with
the Rams? The Rams have built themselves into a surprisingly under-the-radar
good team off of the RGIII bounty and look to do so again. However, without
Clowney as a target, they have to make do with Manziel. The Rams are the only
team that can't see that Sam Bradford is fragile and garbage, but that's
another story.
So the Rams can't ask
for a bounty here, and I don't think a team is going to give them what they
want for the pick. Word is that the Bucs want Manziel and want to move up to #2
for him, but I can't see them giving the Rams what they want and I think in the
end the Rams grit their teeth and use the pick.
2. ST LOUIS RAMS -
SAMMY WATKINS, WR, CLEMSON
Watkins is like an
unholy combination of Santonio Holmes and Andre Johnson, and the Rams really
don't have much at WR. They haven't in awhile. Time to give Bradford some
targets to miss before he gets hurt in week 3.
3. HOUSTON TEXANS -
KHALIL MACK, OLB, BUFFALO
Khalil Mack is a beast
and will murder people next to JJ Watt, who is like Justin Smith on horse
steroids. This is much preferable to trying to shove Clowney into a 3-4 and
also gives them some extra picks to play with down the line. Also, Chris Berman
can say Khalil "return of the" Mack and people that wouldn't
recognize humor if sodomized their ass canal with a candelabra can laugh.
4. CLEVELAND BROWNS -
JOHNNY CLEVELAND, QB, TEXAS A&M
The Browns need a QB
desperately. Like the deserts need rain or like Darren Sharper needs
unconscious women. I don't see them taking one of the OTs, and if Sammy Watkins
is off the board I think they take John Manziel.
They could always trade
down but, they are close and it's time to stop trading down and picking Brandon
Weedens. Imagine this team if it had Julio Jones to pair with Josh Gordon - it
would be a much better team. I like Hoyer but they need to take their shot at a
star QB and I think this is where they take it. I also don't believe the
reports that they absolutely won't draft Manziel at 4. They won't if Watkins is
there, but I have him off of the board. And they're not taking a tackle, I'll
bet like a kilo of oats on it.
5. OAKLAND RAIDERS - MIKE
EVANS, WR, TEXAS A&M
The recipient of
Manziel's floaters, the Raiders would probably prefer Mack or Watkins but if
this is how the chips end up falling, I think they'll go WR over one of the
tackles. Could also trade down if some team is desperate for Matthews or
Robinson, but I don't think they'll pass on the chance to finally have an NFL
WR on their team. Well, Denarious Moore is good but he'll look much better on
the other side across from Evans. If Matt Shob can't work with this, then he's
done. Raiders will add a QB later in the draft, someone like Aaron Murray or
Mettenberger that will end up being better than massive bust-to-be Blake
Bortles.
6. ATLANTA FALCONS -
JAKE MATTHEWS, OT, TEXAS A&M
Damn, another Aggie.
That's it for them though as their team is garbage outside of these three.
Atlanta probably
doesn't want to go tackle here, but they may have their hand forced by Mack and
Clowney being gone. I don't think they'd take Aaron Donald and I don't see them
reaching for Anthony Barr. What I do see, though, is Jake Matthews and his Hall
of Fame pedigree going ahead of both Robinson and Lewan. Robinson is a
projection based on athleticism and Lewan is potentially a rapicidal maniac, so
I truly believe that the first team to take a tackle will play the bloodlines
and take the guy with like 900 All-Pro NFL players in his family.
7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
- Fucked
They want Evans or
Manziel. They get neither without a trade up. HEY NOW. Could the Bucs switch
positions with Oakland? Who could Oakland possibly want at 7. Hmm. Don't care,
let's make it happen. Oakland has like 3 picks this year and wants more.
5. TAMPA BAY - Mike
Evans, WR, College Station TX
See above about Mike
Evans, who is basically a faster Vincent Jackson. They are seriously the same
person. Evans will be better. He's awesome at football.
They give Oakland a 7th
and how about a 2nd and 5th, assuming they have them.
7. OAKLAND RAIDERS - TAYLOR
LEWAN, OT, MICHIGAN
The Raiders do need a
tackle pretty badly - I mean, they attempted to give Rodger Saffold like $42
million before Reggie McKenzie came to from his cocaine and paint fumes binge. I
continually see Greg Robinson ranked at the top of the OT scrap heap but, I
like Lewan more, as his tape shows a huge pass blocking LT that also has a
meanstreak that allows him to play as a road-grading run blocker. Lewan reminds me of a Robert Gallery type from
Io....oh fuck. Oh well. Go Raiders.
8. MINNESOTA VIKINGS -
AARON DONALD, DT, PITT
The Vikes have let lost
about half of their DL and I think they look to replace some of that with Aaron
Donald. Donald is awesome on tape and looks almost unblockable at times. I
can't see them taking Bortles until Christian Ponder's memory is long erased
from their minds. Maybe if Will Smith were the GM.
9. BUFFALO WILLIAMS -
GREG ROBINSON, OT, AUBURN
The Bills either go
with Williams or Barr, IMO. I think they take the tackle that reminds them of
Mike Williams from Texas, who 10 years ago...wait, was a massive bust for the
Bills. Oh well. Gotta have a short memory!
(jk, you don't...as the
old saying goes, those that ignore history are doomed to draft athletic
projection left tackles on the reg. I believe Lombardi said that.)
10. DETROIT LIONS -
JUSTIN GILBERT, CB, OKLAHOMA ST
Rumblings of the Lions
wanting to move up for Watkins are ignored here, as I'm giving them the benefit
of the doubt in that they are not dumb enough to mortage their entire draft in
an insanely deep year to get a single player when they have multiple holes. One
of those holes is at corner and I think that hole gets filled by the
first-round dick of the draft in Justin Gilbert.
Gilbert is less impressive
on his tapes than Dennard and Fuller, but he looks just like NFL prototype
shutdown CBs look. He looks like rookie year Patrick Peterson. Outside of
Richie Sherman, who is a crazy outlier, top CBs tend to look and run like
Gilbert. I think the Lions go with that here over in-state product Dennard, who
has crazy stats but holds more than a Comcast customer service rep.
I don't think they will
go Odell Beckham here, but I do think that doing so would be a much smarter
move than trading their draft away for Watkins.
11. TENNESSEE TITANS - DARQUEZE DENNARD, CB,
MICHIGAN STATE
The Titans just lost
Alterraun Verner, who was a pretty damn good corner. Their front 7 are very
good and there is not a QB here to replace Locker, so...wait, could they? Could
they go with the Bort-ster?
...no. I think they go
Dennard. If you look at Verner last year, and you look at Dennard's college
tapes, you may think you're looking at the same person. San Francisco
apparently will suck a team's dick to move up and take Odell Beckham, but I
don't think they break out the kneepads for Tennessee.
12. NEW YORK GIANTS -
CALVIN PRYOR, S, LOUISVILLE
Hmmm. Tough call here.
The Jints need line help but the only guy left is Zack Martin and I don't think
they go Notre Dame technician in the first. I don't think they go for Beckham
what with their stable of WRs.
They could use a safety
and a corner, and I think they go safety over corner and grab Calvin Pryor.
Pryor is a monster hitter at safety who flies all over the field. He looks
exactly like Bob Sanders did coming out of Iowa.
13. ST. LOUIS RAMS
If San Francisco is
going to trade up for Beckham, I think this is the spot they'll move into to do
so.
It's gonna cost them,
but probably not as much as it would cost with other teams. St. Louis seems to
love moving down.
49ers trade their 1st,
2nd and next year's 1st and 3rd for this spot. And they suck Jeff Fisher's
dick.
13. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers
- ODELL BECKHAM, WR, LSU
Odell Beckham is only
6' 195, but he plays like he's bigger. The guy goes up and gets the ball over
people, which makes sense as the corners are generally no bigger than he is. This
dude looks like exactly what people wanted Mike Wallace to be.
14. CHICAGO BEARS - HA'SEAN
CLINTON-DIX, S, ALABAMA
I refuse to call this
motherfucker "Ha-Ha". Maybe LOL. LOL Clinton-Dix has a good ring to
it.
This is wishful
thinking, as I want the Steelers to take Fuller. Clinton-Dix looks like he'll be
decent at best. I hope Chicago thinks he'll be awesome and wastes the 14th pick
on him.
15. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
- KYLE FULLER, CB, VIRGINIA TECH
Fuller probably goes to
Chicago, but I'm the King of Wishful Thinking and I'm slotting him to Pgh. He's
basically their ideal corner, a physical tackler who can get all up in the WR's
grill and has the ball skills to match. In fact, I think he's the best corner
in this draft.
16. DALLAS COWBOYS -
ANTHONY BARR, DE/OLB, UCLA
I think Anthony Barr
has a pretty good chance of being a bust, but he's an athletic specimen who
dominated a position in college that he was new to, so I see the other side of
this argument. If the Cowboys think he'll be great, they'd have to be thrilled
to get Demarcus Ware's replacement at 16. Expect to see film of Jerrah Jones
jerking it (say that three times fast) on his giant scoreboard.
17. TRADE
Miami really needs a
left tackle and I think they get antsy. There's nobody really for Baltimore to
rush to the podium and select, so they move back two spots for let's say
Miami's 2nd.
17. MIAMI DOLPHINS -
ZACK MARTIN, OT, NOTRE DAME
Miami is like San
Francisco, in that they'll blow somebody for a left tackle. If Martin falls
this far, I think they'll get jumpy and move up to secure his services. He'll
probably be boring as hell just like every other Dolphins player.
18. NEW YORK JETS -
BRANDIN COOKS, WR, OREGON STATE
It appears that the
Jets are infatuated with Cooks, a midget WR who plays like a mini Calvin
Johnson. This little dude can outrun DBs and also go up over them and win jump
balls. Pretty cray. He's like the Honey Badger at WR. Both the animal and
Mathieu. And the Jets need to continue upgrading what was last year probably
the worst WR corps ever assembled in the entire history of Lamar Hunt's AFL.
19. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Hmm.
I think Green Bay would
love to get Ebron. However, if the draft plays out like this, does Baltimore
take him? There's no other team that would move up to get him.
I think Baltimore could
trade Ebron to Green Bay for their 1st and say 4th, and would probably do it.
19. GREEN BAY PACKERS -
ERIC EBRON, TE, UNC
Ebron is the top TE and
the Packers really need a TE. Maybe this version of JerMike Finley will show
some consistency. I don't think he'll be that great in the NFL but everybody
else seems to.
20. ARIZONA CARDINALS -
BLAKE BORTLES, QB, UCF
I've come around on
this one. If Bortles falls, and Bruce Arians sees young Ben Roethlisberger, I
can see him making this selection. Unfortunately, Bortles throws like Ben
Stein. I think he's going to suck.
21. BALTIMORE RAVENS -
CJ MOSLEY, ILB, ALABAMA
I forgot that Mosley
was even available. The Ravens probably remember having a decent middle
linebacker and can consider the fact that Mosley has yet to murder multiple
people a bonus.
22. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
- RYAN SHAZIER, ILB, OHIO STATE
I don't know if this is
a need. I assume it is since Stewart Bradley stole money from the Eagles for a
few years. Shazier is athletic as hell and looks like a Madden ILB in his
highlight tapes. On most tapes, though, he gets washed out of the play immediately.
Very Alec Ogletree-ish, but that seemed to work out really well for the Rams.
23. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
- MARQISE LEE, WR, USC
Ok. Chiefs have a few
places they could go here.
- They could grab
Ra'Shede Hageman or some other DL they like
- Could grab an OL
- Could get another
weapon for Alex Smith to ignore
I think they go with
the latter, and now that I think about it....hmm. I'm not gonna change it but
if I were Baltimore I'd see what they wanted to move up and take a shot at
Ebron.
In this case, I think
they take the WR. I HATE big-year USC WRs that slant their way to 100 catches
in a wide-open west coast one-look quick read offense that I guess works
against Washington State, but who else can they take here? A guy that runs 5
yard routes is perfect for Alex Smith, as he refuses to throw the ball more
than 10 yards in the air. Kelvin Benjamin would rot into the ground of Dwayne
Bowe's graveyard. Lee seems to be the only available option that makes sense.
24. CINCINNATI BENGALS
- BRADLEY ROBY, CB, OHIO STATE
Appears that Roby is
getting some run as a first round option over Jason Verrett, and the Bengals
have been atrophying at the corner spot recently. Leon Hall's achilles tendons
are made out of hymens and Terrance Newman is like 40 now. Even Pacman is in
his 30s. It's 2014, man! Crazy.
I think they either go
Ealy or a corner here. So I guess we'll go corner and they'll probably look to
add DEs later.
25. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
- XAVIER SU'A-FILO, G, UCLA
The Chargers have a
godawful offensive line and have forever. I've said it before and I'll say it
again - what AJ Smith did to this once stacked roster should be a felony. With
no standout defensive prospects available, I think they address the offensive
line. Su'a-Filo is a guard that I saw ranked highly on a list.
26. CLEVELAND BROWNS -
KELVIN BENJAMIN, WR, FLORIDA STATE
Hells yeah! They take
Johnny Foosball, they have Josh Gordon, why not go full bore and create an
insane Madden offense? Benjamin is fat as hell but he's tall and he didn't look
that fat when he was catching mad TDs over everyone last year at Florida State.
He also never raped anyone nor stole any delicacies from the local grocer. A
high character individual who won't even need the Peter Warrick discount at
Dillard's with Cleveland's low cost of living.
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
- Don't know
NOLA could probably go
anywhere with this one. They have a pretty strong roster so I'd think they'll
go BPA for the most part. Let's see who is available...
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
- KYLE VAN NOY, DE/OLB, BYU
Haven't watched much of
this guy, but he apparently did nothing but produce. However, by nature of
playing at BYU, he most assuredly did not reproduce. Hahahahaahaha get it?
Can never have too many
pass rushers.
28. CAROLINA PANTHERS -
ALLEN ROBINSON, WR, PSU
Carolina has zero in
the way of pass catchers. They need some pass catchers, to catch passes.
Robinson seems to be rated too low, he looks good on tape. Panthers could go OL
if they like Moses or Bitonio but I'm flashy so let's get some diva WRs!
29. Trade
If a team wants a QB, they need to jump ahead of Houston's 33rd overall pick. And
you know New England likes to trade down so they can blow later round picks.
Minnesota gives up
their 2nd, 3rd and next year's 2nd and 5th to jump ahead and grab the younger
Carr, who would probably go higher if his name weren't Carr and who looks like
he can also bust like he was Christian Ponder's younger brother and that would
be hilarious.
29. MINNESOTA VIKINGS -
DEREK CARR, QB, FRESNO STATE
I know nothing about
him except that his brother sucked. I don't necessarily hold that against him
because Aaron Rodgers and Carson Palmer have terrible brothers, but I do think
it causes him to fall.
30. ST. LOUIS RAMS - CYRUS
KOUANDJIO, OT, ALABAMA
Ok. I had Joel Bitonio
here because I read about him on a list and how his versatility has allowed him
to Swiss Army knife his way into late first round talk.
But this is the
Business Horse mock draft. And Business Horse knows that before a potential knee
injury that like, could happen or something red flagged him, and before the top
three tackles stole his thunder, Kouandjio was the it-girl amongst OT
prospects. He has beastish potential and the Rams could stand to move Saffold
to the hilariously-overpaid guard position. Surprises happen every draft and
here's one of them. You heard it from the Horse's mouth.
31. DENVER BRONCOS -
JASON VERRETT, CB, TCU
The Broncos struggled
mightily at times last year stopping the pass. They signed Aqib Talib! Yeah, well,
they also let Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, the good version I may add, walk in
free agency. I think they try to upgrade the corner spot. They have a narrow
window right now so they could also make a big move to trade up, but I don't
know who it is that they would covet enough in order to do so.
32. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -
DEMARCUS LAWRENCE, DE, BOISE STATE
Straight-up explosive
pass rusher. That's what Seattle does - they have a great secondary and a
hilariously deep group of great pass rushers that disrupt offenses all day and
stay fresh while doing it. It sounds easy when you say it like that, but you
gotta draft the athletes as well as they did and, to be fair, before the Hawks
started doing it, no other team stacked their roster with DEs like this. Teams
had maybe two good rush DEs or a pass rushing OLB and then that was it, the
backups were just guys. Seattle goes 3 deep at each spot and rotates them in
like a full-court press basketball team. They let some of those guys go, so
they gotta restock to keep doing what they do over the next few seasons as that
secondary gets expensive. They could use a WR but the second and third WR tier
is so deep that I think they wait, or they could get a TE if they like Jace Amaro. I don't think they'll take Sefarian-Jenkins because the last thing the Seahawks need is another criminal tight end from UW. In the end I think they keep doing what they do, and that's ruining passing games.
And there you have it.
Usually when I do these, I have to look up the last 5 or 6 guys because I have
no idea who they are or who is available. Not this year - this draft is insane.
Like 10 of these guys could have gone first overall last year.
Let's get it on.
