Wednesday, April 5, 2017


It's that time of year again! Time to waste a few hours of my time and 5-10 minutes of yours. 

I probably don't need to state this, but I will anyway: all of these mock selections are foolproof and are guaranteed to actually happen. Bet heavily on them if you are given the opportunity. 

Let's get this fake show on the metaphorical road.

1. Cleveland Browns - MYLES GARRETT, EDGE, TEXAS A&M

With the first pick, the Browns select Myles Garrett from Texas Ass-to-Mouth.


The Browns shouldn't overthink this...Garrett is one of the best prospects I've ever seen, and he plays a position arguably 2nd to QB in the modern NFL hierarchy. I don't think this is hyperbole. Since 2000 or so, there have only been a few guys in this top class for most people. I pick 2000 since I was like, 13 in 1997 and I wasn't dialing up to Netscape and streaming Shawn Springs games through my RealPlayer. Though that was the Orlando Pace year and he is my gold standard for college OT tape, but I digress. 2000 is even a stretch since I've only paid significant attention since like, 2010 but whatever. Here's who I put in that class:

• Reggie Bush (may sound funny now, but people accused the Texans of purposefully blowing a game to draft him and people really believed this when Kris Brown shanked that field goal)

• Calvin Johnson 

• Andrew Luck

• Khalil Mack

That's it. I put Garrett in that class. (Tangent: A lot of people had Robert Gallery at that level - he was the ultimate "safe can't-fail" guy, IMO - and he's proof that there's no such thing and why I'd never say that about anybody, even Garrett).

Reggie Bush was like a new Barry Sanders in college, and most people thought he'd just dominate the NFL as well. Didn't happen. Calvin Johnson was the ultimate freak athlete wide receiver, with the tape making one hand diving catches behind his back from whoever the hell their QB was to back it up. Matt Millen was a national joke for his WR fetish and even he could not pass on Megatron. No QB has come into the NFL as clearly "franchise ready" as Luck since Peyton Manning, and Luck was a 4.75 40-yard type of athlete on top of it. And Khalil Mack was just an absolute unstoppable animal.

Clowney was not that level of guy, IMO. Neither was Sammy Watkins or Julio Jones or Jalen Ramsey or Larry Fitz. But Garrett is, I think. Usually a top edge rusher's profile will say that this guy is great but he's either a little undersized, he's not the fastest guy, he doesn't have elite bend or flexibility, or he struggles to win with technique. I liked Clowney a lot, but I loved Khalil Mack and thought the Texans should take him #1. Garrett is bigger, faster, and a better rusher technically. He might have the best bend in this class, even though he's like 7'2" and 430 pounds. The cons you are forced to say about Garrett are things like "well there were some plays here where he didn't dominate everybody" and "well I mean he could be a little better setting the edge against the run". You have to stretch. I will be stunned beyond belief if Trubisky goes #1 over Garrett. 


49ers trade the 2nd pick to Jacksonville for the 4th pick, a 3rd rounder this year and let's say a 2nd next year

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - LEONARD FOURNETTE, RB, LSU

That class I mentioned above? I have Fournette in it, too. And I can't seem to make the 49ers pick anybody else with it. Not Jonathan Allen, not Solomon Thomas, not the guy I have them picking at 4 who is the guy I want them to pick here. So it works out. 

The way I worked the Texans getting Mack into my mock that year was to have them trade with Jax, who would take Clowney, and then they would take Mack at 3. Because Jacksonville, in addition to running a 4-3, had been blowing draft picks on shitty pass rushers for years. It had become a thing there and just as important to their identity as those "piss meets shit" helmets that look like someone taught a first time Photoshop user how to use the gradient fill layer in a how-to class.

It didn't work out that way, but I'm not gonna stop going to the Jags well. The Jags are kind of in the same spot they were on the DL at running back, trotting out Toby Gerhardt and TJ Yeldon and Chris Ivory and Michigan QBs in a futile attempt to replace MJD. Why not give up a few picks to jump up and grab a guy who is the best RB prospect since AP in a lot of people's minds, and arguably (well, I'd argue it) even better? Fournette isn't the best all-around RB, that's Dalvin Cook, or maybe Christian McCaffery, or maybe even Joe Mixon. But it's not like he can't catch, they just didn't really utilize him like that at LSU. And more importantly, the #1 with a bullet job of a running back is to, well, take the fuckin' ball and run with it. Yeah, David Johnson and LeVeon Bell get their cocks gobbled because they can take screen passes, jump over a guy and spin around and run 30 yards and shit like that but that wouldn't happen if they weren't also phenomenal at just plain running the ball. There are a boatload of RBs in the past half decade or so that could have spent the night before a game in Lamar Odom's opium den and still been more of a 'complete' RB than Adrian Peterson. But which one of them are you taking over 2012 prime AP? Probably none of them. So why do so many people knock Fournette because you can't motion him into the slot? Who cares?

This guy came to LSU with a Peter North sized load of hype, and he lived up to it almost immediately. He looks like the biggest and fastest guy on the field, at a D-1 school in the SEC. This isn't normal. Guys aren't supposed to go up against Tennessee and have film that looks like a high school phenom. Fournette's does in some cases - it looks like one of those "watch Dez Bryant dominate in high school!" type of videos. I can't think of another player that as ever made me think that. And he was pretty much the LSU offense...I think they have a lineman that might go late and then Malachi Dupre might get drafted in the 4th or something. Teams knew Fournette was the LSU offense and unless slowed by injury or by an Alabama team that has more NFL caliber players than Jacksonville, it didn't matter. This is an absolutely ridiculous draft. It's this draft and 2014 in some order, and then I don't even know who's third. Don't say 2011 - that draft wasn't considered all that great at the time.


Alabama guys can be difficult to judge because of their team's borderline NFL rosters, but Allen certainly looks like he's one of the guys that created that environment and not one that just benefitted from it. I think he'll fit great as a 3-4 DE.

This would have been a slam dunk pick a few months ago, because Allen looks like a bigger version of Aaron Donald on tape. Then he went to the Combine and performed more like Aaron Carter. However, I think his tape is too good and Chicago's defense is too bad to go elsewhere with this pick. Maybe they'll take Trubisky - the signing of alien life form Mike Glennon will have no impact on that if they really want to take a QB - but I'm just gonna guess that they continue to add talent to that defense. And really, that's the only side of the ball that's ever seemed to work in Chicago. You can no joke make a decent argument that Smokin' Jay Cutler is the best QB they've had in the Super Bowl era, which is hilarious. Even more hilarious is the top 2 QBs all-time in Chicago in passer rating, minimum 200 attempts: 1. Josh McCown and 2. Brian Hoyer. McCown is still cashing Alshon Jeffery's checks. Hold on a second.

3. Chicago Bears - MITCH TRUBISKY, QB, UNC

That's just too hilarious to not have the Bears taking a shot at a franchise QB in the draft with every decent chance they get. How has this team not drafted QBs every single fuckin' year until they found one? JAY CUTLER AND JIM MCMAHON ARE YOUR BEST QBS SINCE 1950! This guy's gotta be better than Goff, right? All this talk about "oh it's such a shitty year for QBs" a year after the Rams traded hella picks for Jared motherfuckin' Goff? 

I haven't really watched Trubisky but it seems clear he's the top ranked guy and he's at least a legitimate top 10 draft pick...I mean, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker are top 10 draft picks so Trubisky certainly seems like he'd be - do the Bears really pass that up to take a guy who performed in the 10th percentile in most of his Combine drills? I don't think they do after thinking about it for a bit. Look, teams are trying to win first and foremost but they also have fans to please and entertain and excite. Chicago fans are all rah rah defense and whatnot but at some point, I mean, you gotta do better than Jay Cutler as QB of your all-time team. Here are the first round QBs for the Bears since 1970 in order of draft pick:

1. Jim McMahon, 5th overall in 1982
2. CADE MC-GOD-DAMN-NOWN, 11th overall in 1999

Pause to appreciate that this team drafted Cade McNown at 11th overall. 

3. Rex Grossman, 22nd overall in 2003
4. Jim Harbaugh, 26th overall in 1987 (don't argue for him at #1 Bears QB, he sucked there)

That's it. The Bears, a team that has never had a legitimate top 10 NFL QB, has taken 4 QBs in the first round since 1970, with the 2nd highest being CADE MCNOWN. He lasted 2 years in the NFL. Even Ryan Leaf and Jamarcus Russell managed to stick around for three. He's underrated in all-time QB busts due to his draft slot but damn, McNown was the Gio Carmazzi of first round QBs. 

So my point is that maybe they should try drafting some QBs. So why not try here? Allen is still on the board.

4. San Francisco 49ers - MALIK HOOKER, FS, OHIO STATE

I seem to have Malik Hooker higher than most people, but he's just ridiculous when the ball is in the air. I've never seen a prospect this good as a centerfield safety, and he's played like 2 years. He's Ed Reed. I don't care if he's getting surgery, this guy is ridiculous and you see how a safety like Earl Thomas makes a defense go.

Only question about him is he run defense - for all the ability he has to run across the field against a vertical route and get the pick, he seems to be a bit hesitant when backs reach the 2nd level. He's just out there throwing shoulders at people much of the time, and this keeps him from also being in that Myles Garrett/Fournette class. If you want a safety that can do that, you'd want Jamal Adams. But Hooker is so damn good against the pass, and that seems to be the most important role of a free safety these days especially, that I think he'll end up being the first safety off the board. He will let you do so much with your coverage schemes by really minimizing that fear of getting beat deep. He's a complete game changer and I think those guys generally go before jack-of-all-trades types like Adams.


Tennessee has improved a great deal in the past few years, particular on offense. They don't need OL. They could use a big time WR but I don't think this is the year they would do that, as most of the talent resides on defense. They could certainly use secondary help, though, and so I'll give them Lattimore over a guy like Allen, even though 3-4 teams can always use guys like Allen. Hard to pass on Allen - because often when you need secondary help you really need pass rush help - but there are top notch corners in this draft too because this draft is absolutely ridiculous and why wouldn't there be.

Lattimore is a true eraser of a cornerback. He's big, tall, fast and fluid. Those traits do not often come together. Humphrey out of Alabama is as well, but Lattimore is jusssst a bit faster and quicker and played a ton of press man to Humphrey's zone/off-man and I think he ends up going first among them. These guys get $10+ million contracts in free agency - hell, look at Dre Kirkpatrick and even a guy the Titans let move on in Alterraun Verner - so they are tough to pass up when they come on rookie deals with a 5th year option. I don't think Tennessee passes in this case. And neither will the opposition hahaahahaah get it? Whatever. Go fuck yourself.


Allen has tremendous film but a bad Combine, but then again, so did Terrell Suggs. Already went over him earlier so I'll just slot him to a team that is never afraid to take too many defensive linemen and a team that probably wants to pull out of the Sheldon Richardson experience. Former Jet Antonio Cromartie can advise them of the dangers of pulling out too late. 

7. San Diego Los Angeles Chargers - JAMAL ADAMS, FS/SS, LSU

Jamal Adams is a free safety, but with exceptions for guys like Malik Hooker, I'm usually a "two safeties" guy as opposed to someone who insists on free and strong. I don't know what the Chargers like to run but if they run any Cover 2, it's nice to have two guys who can cover and play the run. Hell, Eric Weddle is a prime example of what I'll call a "box free safety" and he had plenty of success in San Diego. Unfortunately, like most of San Diego's good players in the past decade since AJ Smtih went through menopause and destroyed one of the best rosters we've seen in the 2000s, he gone. So is Jahleel Addae. And Marcus Gilchrist. If they let Jason Verrett walk then I'm convinced that the AJ Smith's ghost has moved with the Chargers to LA. I just remembered now that they are in LA now and will play this year on, like, a high school practice field. 

Anyway, Jamal Adams can pretty much do it all and he can fit into anyone's defense. I'd rather have a Malik Hooker or Kam Chancellor type who is absolutely elite in a particular area, but there aren't many guys like that and it being a box safety who can cover just damn near won Landon Collins DPOY. I didn't like Collins coming out of 'Bama because I didn't think he was that great in coverage but I was wrong on that. I was wrong on that and what he became is what I think Jamal Adams is as a prospect, if that makes sense. Then again, maybe that's the kiss of death, because I hated Joey Bosa as a top 5 pick and he turned out to be historically great as a rookie. Can't win 'em all.

8. Carolina Panthers - SOLOMON THOMAS, DE, STANFORD

I was really tempted to put Humphrey here, because the Panthers really bungled their corner spot last year and spent a lot of draft capital and effort trying to patch up those holes, but in the end, this seems to be a team that goes front 7 on defense and lets the rest of the chips fall as they may. Thomas is getting hyped as a possible first DL off the board this year, and while I don't see teams moving Jonathan Allen that far down over his Combine performance, he's still an elite pass rushing prospect with a particularly explosive sack reel, particularly for a 4-3 team driven by beast DL like Carolina. St. Louis/LA Rams fell off with decline in their DL, but the NY Giants were able to remain truly competitive for years by keeping that 4-3 DL flush with talent. Carolina seems to have the same blueprint. 

9. Cincinnati Bengals - MIKE WILLIAMS, WR, CLEMSON

I'm tempted to slot Humphrey here, as no team seems to be as driven by corners as Cincinnati, but they've drafted so many of them recently and have William Jackson III coming back after an injury redshirt year and there seems to be a lot of corner depth this year. You can't say the same about the WR class, however, and Cincinnti saw a huge decline after letting their #2 and #3 WRs walk and slotting Brandon LaFell and rookie Tyler Boyd across from AJ Green. I think that they draft Williams (or Corey Davis) in an attempt to get back to the 2015 version that was a truly dominant unit. Andy Dalton looked like an actual top-5 QB that year until he broke his thumb on a tackle attempt after daltoning a really bad dalton late in the year. And then AJ McCarron came in and looked like a legit NFL starter. Putting one of these beast WRs across from Green and letting Boyd play in the slot while getting Tyler Eifert back might go a long ways toward turning back the clock for a team that watched their window begin to rapidly shut. 


I mean, why not replace Stephon Gilmore with a Stephon Gilmore type? Strongly considered OJ Howard here but Buffalo is a team that also seems to place a lot of emphasis on the corner spot and in the secondary as a whole, and there aren't that many guys that look and move like Humphrey walking the planet. Though half of them seem to be in the draft this year. I can't say enough how stacked this draft class is, particularly defensively. There are years that don't have a single corner with these kinds of measureables and this year we've got like 4. 

11. New Orleans Saints - JOHN ROSS, WR, WASHINGTON

This may be a head-scratcher, but why not replace Brandin Cooks with someone who is even more electric? Ross isn't just a Combine creation - this guy was killing people all year. He broke both of Adoree' Jackson's ankles, his pelvis and fractured his soul with a double move. The Saints have been drafting WRs high forever because they like to throw 1200 times a year and Ross is a rare bird. He's Corey Coleman again but even faster. The Saints need to draft a ton of defense, but they have New England's first rounder and there's a lot more depth on that side of the ball so I can really see them making a move like this and then drafting defense the rest of the way. The goal is to draft talent first and plug holes second. I have been high on Ross for awhile and I think that anytime you can draft a game-breaker type of player, you should really consider taking that guy even if he doesn't feel a huge need.

12. Cleveland Browns - PAT MAHOMES, QB, TEXAS TECH

The Browns are like the bizarro Bears in that they have had a history of shitty QBs but in contrast to Chicago, they have drafted them high for millions of years with little to nothing to show for it. Also, both teams can probably say that Brian Hoyer is in their top 3 all-time. 

I think it's pretty clear that the Browns would take Carson Wentz if they could do it all over again, but this isn't Hot Tub Time Machine and they can't. You can ask Mark Chmura if you don't believe me. Since they haven't been able to trade for Jimmy Garoppolo (yet), I think they go for talent and ceiling over floor and take Mahomes at 12.

I love Mahomes as a prospect. He comes from one of those 'gimmick' Big 12 offenses but before Mahomes, there was Aaron Rodgers coming from a similarly gimmicky offense. Oh, those QBs can't succeed in the NFL! Look at Kyle Boller! Well, Aaron Rodgers can throw dimes off his back foot across his body 40 yards downfield while running to his right, so it really didn't matter that he took a lot of shotgun snaps or whatever it was with Tedford. Mahomes is the same way. Nobody else except maybe Russell Wilson can throw like this. Mahomes' arm is ridiculous, and he's accurate as hell, and his deep ball is amazing, and he's a pretty decent athlete, and why are we focusing so much on how he took a snap? Imagine if Mahomes had less talent but had the same issues he has now, taking primarily shotgun snaps, having inconsistent footwork, making limited reads...and pretend that his name is Jared Goff. What's the difference? Why are we talking down Mahomes so much on the negatives while completely ignoring all the unbelievable talent that he has and the actual throws he's put on tape? Is Texas Tech that toxic? Just because Kliff fuckin' Kingsbury didn't make it, nobody from that school can? I think Mahomes will be a star and the best QB in this class and I don't see him dropping anywhere near the 2nd round in this draft. Even in the deepest drafts, teams could not help but reaching for Blake Bortleses. This guy actually has real elite QB talent, so I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even make it to pick 12.

13. Arizona Cardinals - REUBEN FOSTER, ILB, ALABAMA

Reuben Foster big-timed a staff member at the Combine and was sent home. Yet I am not banishing him to the 7th round as punishment. Why? Ignoring that it wasn't really the biggest of issues, the main reason is that he's really fuckin' good at football. This guy is all over the field destroying people. Teams like ILBs that are all over the field destroying people. Vontaze Burfict is a literal insane person who has done like actual human sacrifices on the field and he's so good at football that the Bengals pay him a lot of money in spite of that. Foster has one incident, and it's really not all that bad. He could probably get caught snorting coke out of a dead hooker's wilting bush and he'd still go in the 2nd round. 

I really wanted to put OJ Howard here but the Cardinals love to take defensive players and Foster is a really, really good one. He's kinda like Jaylon Smith but with functional nerve endings.

14. Philadelphia Eagles - DEREK BARNETT, DE, TENNESSEE

I really haven't even started throwing out edge guys yet, and in retrospect I'm probably wrong to wait this long. Teams love edge guys. Teams draft edge guys like Justin Blackmon drafts Miller Genuine Drafts. Barnett is a tape over measurables kinda guy, but his tape is damn impressive and he really knows how to turn into the QB once he gets into the tackle - a ton of college guys just run right up the arc, but Barnett bends well and crashes the pocket very consistently. He's like Myles Garrett without the elite speed and explosiveness. In a scheme that made Brandon Graham into a star, why not Barnett? 

15. Indianapolis - OJ HOWARD, TE, ALABAMA

I just can't keep dropping OJ Howard. He's too good. He's the best TE prospect I've ever seen - complete TEs are so rare these days and you don't see guys that are as explosive as Howard also showing an ability to do regular tight end stuff, like block people. The Colts like Jack Doyle but they've seem to have used two tight ends for awhile now, and I don't think that alone would keep them from drafting OJ Howard. The only reason a guy like Howard would fall this far is the continued neglect of the tight end position, but a true stud like Gronkowski can make offenses nearly impossible to defend. I know Indy needs defense defense and more defense, and offensive line of course but there's really no studs this year that would merit a selection over the large pool of BPA type players, but I'm that high on Howard and I think he'd be tough to pass on.

16. Baltimore Ravens - MALIK MCDOWELL

It's the Ravens. There are a lot of pass rushers available. I think the Ravens take a pass rusher because that's what the Ravens do. 

Malik McDowell is a bit of a polarizing prospect - a lot of people hate him and think he'll drop into the 2nd and he does appear to be a bit of a headcase. His interviews are just...there's just a weird vibe he gives off. It's kind of reminiscent of Nkemdiche. And both were destroying OL in their tapes. But McDowell can finish, and Nkemdiche couldn't. I've read that McDowell can disappear, and I obviously haven't watched that much tape, but I didn't really see that. He was consistently throwing guards around and facing double teams and blowing up plays. He looks like he can be an incredible prototype of a 3-4 DE. Could be a risky pick but I have a hard time seeing the Ravens passing that up unless they really like Corey Davis or if maybe OJ Howard falls. I'm gonna give them a guy like McDowell over say a Haason Reddick.

17. Washington Redskins - CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY, RB, USC

Everything says that the Redskins need an ILB, and everyone is mocking Zach Cunningham here. I'm not a huge fan of Zach Cunningham, so I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm gonna give them a running back, because outside of one year of pre-injury Bob Griffin and Alfred Morris and one big game from Robert Kelley, they've had a collection of stiffs at the position since the Clinton Portis era ended. After Dalvin Cook's poor Combine, I'll slot McCaffrey here instead. If McCaffrey goes in the first round, he'll be the first white halfback to be drafted there since John Cappelletti in 1974. But this guy isn't John Riggins. McCaffrey is electric. Boogie woogie woogie.

18. Tennessee Titans - COREY DAVIS, WR, W. MICHIGAN

Tennessee eventually gets their WR, in an attempt to have one guy who is capable of averaging more than 10 yards per reception. I haven't watched much on Davis, but he appears to be pretty damn good, so here Titans, have a receiver. 

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - CHARLES HARRIS, DE, MISSOURI

The Bucs have been trying to find competent defensive linemen for what seems like 10 years, and I don't think they are done just because Noah Spence looks pretty good. Harris looks explosive as hell on tape coming off the edge, but he didn't time well at all at the Combine and people are dropping him into the second round. I don't think he'll fall that far. This may be early but I don't really feel like giving the Bucs an RB here or Melinfonwu or another corner or Zay Jones - and I think Harris is probably the best fit for them. If Malik McDowell were still on my board I'd probably slot him here. When the hell did Missouri start recruiting all the pass rushers?


Finally, someone takes an offensive lineman. Watching Ty Sambrailo last year trying to block Justin Houston was like watching Freddy Mercury's immune system trying to block Ebola. It was awful. Someone has to give Trevor Siemian enough time to be mediocre, and I think Robinson can help. He's kind of a plodder but he's stout and he's got some good tape. Showing well against Myles Garrett certainly doesn't hurt his stock.

A year with all of these great edge rushers, and so few competent tackles. No wonder they all look so great on the Youtubes.

21. Detroit Lions - HAASON REDDICK, LB, TEMPLE

This is kind of a weird choice, because Reddick seems like a better fit for a 3-4 team, but Detroit needs help everywhere in the front seven. Reddick can play outside and inside linebacker, hell, maybe he can play 4-3 end. He's an absolute freak who jumped far and ran fast, and was expected to run even faster. If the Vikings can work with Anthony Barr, I think the Lions can work with Reddick. 

22. Miami Dolphins - ADOREE JACKSON, CB, USC

Jackson is more well-known than he probably would be otherwise due to his return abilities and his moonlighting as a WR. But he can play well at corner primarily, and Miami needs people that can do that. If this draft weren't full of ridiculous players and particularly corners, he'd probably be a much higher pick. I'm always tempted to mock pass rushers to Miami but the guys left this year seem more 3-4 than 4-3 to me. 

23. New York Giants - DALVIN COOK, RB, FSU

I know Dalvin Cook had a poor Combine, but I can't let him continue to fall like this. The Giants were thrown into the AP sweepstakes - though I guess sweepstakes is a bad word - but why not just take a guy like Cook if he falls to you? This dude can do just about everything and I watched him destroy Michigan live a few months ago in Turnpike Stadium, so I'm putting that over the timed metrics. He can run in any system, he finds holes, he has great vision and runs to daylight and all those cliches, and they can split him out wide and throw him 60 yard go routes. This will be the latest addition to put the Giants over the edge and make them an unstoppable juggernaut, according to Giants fans.

TRADE - NY Jets trade 2nd round pick and 3rd round pick and a 2nd rounder in 2018 and also some bullshit pick in 2018, like 9th rounder or something, and maybe a punter or whatever


This is probably stupid, but how can the Jets keep never having a QB? There's always trades and so I have to throw a few in here. Why this spot? Well, it's close enough to the 2nd round that it may not require a king's ransom, it's a deep draft, and nobody left screams to be the Raiders pick right here. So I can see it. Also, if you want a QB, you probably need to jump ahead of the idiot Texans, who continue to waste one of the league's better defenses with QBs they bought at TJ Maxx. Why is Brian Hoyer the best QB of the past 5 years for like, 3 NFL teams? 

Anyway, I haven't watched much at all of Kizer. I don't know if I like him or not. I do know that I read in multiple places that he has the best skillset of all these QBs, so I'll throw this trade in there just for the sake of having one. QBs are QBs and I don't care how uninspiring this year's choices are or how stacked the rest of the draft is - even in another stacked year, Johnny Manziel got the Browns to trade back into the first and take him just by texting the Browns. I think Kizer has a shot to be this year's Paxton Lynch.

25. Houston Texans - DAVIS WEBB, QB, CAL

Can the Texans continue passing up on QBs? If Derek Carr were anything else - Derek Smith, Derek Jefferson, Derek Andthedominoes - the Texans probably would have taken him a few years ago and been a legit Super Bowl contender. But they didn't, and then they experienced a full year of Brock Osweiler, and now I think they take another of this year's toolsy QBs that people just don't like for some reason. I was gonna put Watson here, even though I am a bit scared off by Watson's consistent inaccuracy and misses to wide open WRs - sometimes he looks like Marcus Mariota with vertigo - that I'm gonna put Davis Webb here instead.

I know NOTHING about Davis Webb. I just read that he's "rising up draft boards" and he's "gonna be a first rounder" and "could be the best QB in the this draft" (couldn't anyone?), and so I'm gonna blindly say this is the pick where people go "who?". Someone please come into Houston and start throwing the ball to DeAndre Hopkins pleeeeeaaassseeee

26. Seattle Seahawks - RYAN RAMCYZK, OT, WISCONSIN

Another guy I know nothing about, but Seattle's line is such hot garbage that it probably started the Centralia mine fire. So draft some linemen. 

27. Kansas City Chiefs - OBI MELINFONWU, FS/SS, UCONN

Kansas City needs some secondary help, and Obi Melinfonwu is secondary help. He's not just a Combine wonder, the guy has some tape where he is just striding across the entire field in like 4 steps. And it worked for Byron Jones, so why not? Melinfonwu is not Kam Chancellor in that he's not going to come up and pop you, though he is fine coming up and stopping the run - I just expected more violence in his hits. But that's not the main job description. Melinfonwu reminds me of George Iloka, a big, tall strider that can probably play corner, too. I really would try him out at corner, and I think he could be ridiculous there. 6'4" burner that can move laterally? That's just rare as hell...except for this year, of course. I haven't even figured out where to slot Kevin King yet.

28. Dallas Cowboys - GAREON CONLEY, CB, OHIO STATE

Dallas could use a pass rusher, but they could arguably use a corner more and I think Conley is a better prospect than is available in the 2nd tier of the edge class. Conley is another athletic phenom (so many guys this year have wide athletic webs) who can move both straight forward and side to side. In fact, he might be the second most fluid corner in this class behind Tre White. I can't put Takk McKinley here with Conley still on the board...and does Dallas even have any corners left at this point?

29. Green Bay Packers - KEVIN KING, CB, WASHINGTON

Another damn corner? All I heard last year was "man, Green Bay's corners suck!", so I guess I'll give them one. Kevin King's athletic web is INSANE. Wtf? He makes some of the other guys look pedestrian. This motherfucker is 6'3", 200+ lbs, runs a 4.4, has 95TH PERCENTILE AGILITY NUMBERS, he just can't bench press. If he could bench press then he might legitimately have the best athletic web of any corner in this history of dudes in borderline gay shorts running in circles around cones. This is Richard Sherman after a summer training with David Boston and Mark McGwire. 

And he can play, too. Now he can play in Green Bay. Hope he likes Big Lots.

Actually Green Bay is a pretty cool town with some bad-ass breweries. But he's an athlete so he probably shouldn't drink too many nitro porters.

30. Pittsburgh Steelers - JORDAN WILLIS, OLB, KANSAS ST

This was tough. If I could think of a trade-down scenario for Pittsburgh, I'd put it here. I'd give them any of the corners just taken, Melinfonwu, OJ Howard...I'm considering David Njoku but I just don't see it...Budda Baker as well but I just don't see it....Zay Jones but I just don't see it....I think they end up taking the edge guy in this case and I guess it will be Willis. It might be Carl Lawson, it might be Takk McKinley, it might be TJ Watt, but for some reason I see Willis' metrics and his production and think he might be the guy here. 

I don't love this pick or really even like it. But I gotta put somebody here so Willis it is.

31. Atlanta Falcons - DAVID NJOKU, TE, MIAMI

This is a tough one as well. I don't see a DL that jumps at me as the pick here. It seems like the Falcons have been trying to find a TE forever, though, so I'll slot Njoku here. He's not OJ Howard but the potential to be OJ Howard is there, and I think it's going to get him into the first round.

32. New Orleans Saints - BUDDA BAKER, FS/SS, WASHINGTON

Not sure how much sense this makes, but New Orleans needs help everywhere on defense and I just wanted to put Baker into the first round. He does so many Troy Polamalu-esque things that I don't think he's going to be a late 2nd or 3rd rounder like I often see him mocked. So he can go down to New Orleans, drink a couple hurricanes, piss on some painted lady in the street, jerk off next to a police horse, check out some 48 year old Iowa housewife's floppy tits and then go and blow up some stretch runs on Sundays. 

Guess that's it. Didn't put the three guys I don't really like (Cunningham, Taco Charlton and Jabrill Peppers) in the first. Couldn't put Watson in the first with his lowlight reel of misfired passes. I would have legit "first round grades" on Zay Jones, Takk McKinley, Tim Williams, Carl Lawson, probably Jarrad Davis, Joe Mixon (yeah yeah), Jourdan Lewis, perhaps Raekwon McMillan (probably alone in that one but I think he's better than Reggie Ragland), and probably some others. It's a ridiculous draft year, and Ryan Grigson isn't around to pick the bust out of this group. 

There's also a guy named Fish Smithson.

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