It's that time again - it's late but it's still that time assuming you're reading this. It's time for the annual Business Horse mock draft. It was annual before but under different names, and, of course, it was 100% correct. The following NFL draft selections are guaranteed to play out in NYC.
1. HOUSTON TEXANS
There's no way the Texans want this pick. Clowney is insanely beastish but does not appear to me to be an ideal candidate to switch to 3-4 OLB or to be the rush-neutered block-sponge that many 3-4 DEs are molded into. Khalil Mack, on the other hand, IS Von Miller. To the point that Mack may be on molly right now, sweating. Woo. So how can the Texans trade down and still have a shot at Mack? I GOT IT
Trade with JAX - 1st overall for the Jags's 3rd overall and let's say 2nd rounder this year and 4th rounder next year that becomes a 2nd if the Texans fail to get Mack. Holy shit can you do that? I think I just invented something that might be illegal.
1. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT JADAVEON CLOWNEY, DE, SOME OTHER PLANET
The Jags have been looking for pass rushers since Steve McNair were alive and they've been largely fruitless since. You may say, "well, Biz, why don't they just take Mack?". Well, I like Mack a lot but, Gus Bradley runs the same defense Seattle does and monster DEs make that system go. Plus, the Jags are the only team close enough to Houston that the Texans wouldn't ask for a king's ransom to make the move down. (Well, Rams too but I cannot see them trading up). Houston most likely really, really wants Mack and can't go down past 3 or 4 to have a shot at him. I don't think the Rams will take him and I don't think anybody will trade up with the Rams for Mack. Maybe for Manziel, which is another point - the Jags haven't had a QB since David Garrard, which, when you say "haven't had a QB since David Garrard" really reinforces how bad they've been at the position. So why not take Manziel? Well, even if they do believe in him, they could fear he goes 2nd to someone that flips with St Louis and they get fucked again. I think a Clowney that pans out would make that defense go.
Secondly, on Clowney - of course he took it easy last year. He didn't quit, but he didn't fight through injuries and play balls out all the time through triple teams but, why would he? Looking at it Businessally, it was the right move. If you were selling a car for $1 mil next week, you aren't going to say "well let's take it on one more drag race". And if people worry about "oh, what's he going to do in the NFL once he gets paid and has another big contract coming up" - it's marginal utility, dog. The difference between $0 and $10 million is so much bigger than the difference between $15 million and $30 million. I'm betting that Clowney dominates in the NFL.
2. ST LOUIS RAMS
Hmmm, who trades with the Rams? The Rams have built themselves into a surprisingly under-the-radar good team off of the RGIII bounty and look to do so again. However, without Clowney as a target, they have to make do with Manziel. The Rams are the only team that can't see that Sam Bradford is fragile and garbage, but that's another story.
So the Rams can't ask for a bounty here, and I don't think a team is going to give them what they want for the pick. Word is that the Bucs want Manziel and want to move up to #2 for him, but I can't see them giving the Rams what they want and I think in the end the Rams grit their teeth and use the pick.
2. ST LOUIS RAMS - SAMMY WATKINS, WR, CLEMSON
Watkins is like an unholy combination of Santonio Holmes and Andre Johnson, and the Rams really don't have much at WR. They haven't in awhile. Time to give Bradford some targets to miss before he gets hurt in week 3.
3. HOUSTON TEXANS - KHALIL MACK, OLB, BUFFALO
Khalil Mack is a beast and will murder people next to JJ Watt, who is like Justin Smith on horse steroids. This is much preferable to trying to shove Clowney into a 3-4 and also gives them some extra picks to play with down the line. Also, Chris Berman can say Khalil "return of the" Mack and people that wouldn't recognize humor if sodomized their ass canal with a candelabra can laugh.
4. CLEVELAND BROWNS - JOHNNY CLEVELAND, QB, TEXAS A&M
The Browns need a QB desperately. Like the deserts need rain or like Darren Sharper needs unconscious women. I don't see them taking one of the OTs, and if Sammy Watkins is off the board I think they take John Manziel.
They could always trade down but, they are close and it's time to stop trading down and picking Brandon Weedens. Imagine this team if it had Julio Jones to pair with Josh Gordon - it would be a much better team. I like Hoyer but they need to take their shot at a star QB and I think this is where they take it. I also don't believe the reports that they absolutely won't draft Manziel at 4. They won't if Watkins is there, but I have him off of the board. And they're not taking a tackle, I'll bet like a kilo of oats on it.
5. OAKLAND RAIDERS - MIKE EVANS, WR, TEXAS A&M
The recipient of Manziel's floaters, the Raiders would probably prefer Mack or Watkins but if this is how the chips end up falling, I think they'll go WR over one of the tackles. Could also trade down if some team is desperate for Matthews or Robinson, but I don't think they'll pass on the chance to finally have an NFL WR on their team. Well, Denarious Moore is good but he'll look much better on the other side across from Evans. If Matt Shob can't work with this, then he's done. Raiders will add a QB later in the draft, someone like Aaron Murray or Mettenberger that will end up being better than massive bust-to-be Blake Bortles.
6. ATLANTA FALCONS - JAKE MATTHEWS, OT, TEXAS A&M
Damn, another Aggie. That's it for them though as their team is garbage outside of these three.
Atlanta probably doesn't want to go tackle here, but they may have their hand forced by Mack and Clowney being gone. I don't think they'd take Aaron Donald and I don't see them reaching for Anthony Barr. What I do see, though, is Jake Matthews and his Hall of Fame pedigree going ahead of both Robinson and Lewan. Robinson is a projection based on athleticism and Lewan is potentially a rapicidal maniac, so I truly believe that the first team to take a tackle will play the bloodlines and take the guy with like 900 All-Pro NFL players in his family.
7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Fucked
They want Evans or Manziel. They get neither without a trade up. HEY NOW. Could the Bucs switch positions with Oakland? Who could Oakland possibly want at 7. Hmm. Don't care, let's make it happen. Oakland has like 3 picks this year and wants more.
5. TAMPA BAY - Mike Evans, WR, College Station TX
See above about Mike Evans, who is basically a faster Vincent Jackson. They are seriously the same person. Evans will be better. He's awesome at football.
They give Oakland a 7th and how about a 2nd and 5th, assuming they have them.
7. OAKLAND RAIDERS - TAYLOR LEWAN, OT, MICHIGAN
The Raiders do need a tackle pretty badly - I mean, they attempted to give Rodger Saffold like $42 million before Reggie McKenzie came to from his cocaine and paint fumes binge. I continually see Greg Robinson ranked at the top of the OT scrap heap but, I like Lewan more, as his tape shows a huge pass blocking LT that also has a meanstreak that allows him to play as a road-grading run blocker. Lewan reminds me of a Robert Gallery type from Io....oh fuck. Oh well. Go Raiders.
8. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - AARON DONALD, DT, PITT
The Vikes have let lost about half of their DL and I think they look to replace some of that with Aaron Donald. Donald is awesome on tape and looks almost unblockable at times. I can't see them taking Bortles until Christian Ponder's memory is long erased from their minds. Maybe if Will Smith were the GM.
9. BUFFALO WILLIAMS - GREG ROBINSON, OT, AUBURN
The Bills either go with Williams or Barr, IMO. I think they take the tackle that reminds them of Mike Williams from Texas, who 10 years ago...wait, was a massive bust for the Bills. Oh well. Gotta have a short memory!
(jk, you don't...as the old saying goes, those that ignore history are doomed to draft athletic projection left tackles on the reg. I believe Lombardi said that.)
10. DETROIT LIONS - JUSTIN GILBERT, CB, OKLAHOMA ST
Rumblings of the Lions wanting to move up for Watkins are ignored here, as I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they are not dumb enough to mortage their entire draft in an insanely deep year to get a single player when they have multiple holes. One of those holes is at corner and I think that hole gets filled by the first-round dick of the draft in Justin Gilbert.
Gilbert is less impressive on his tapes than Dennard and Fuller, but he looks just like NFL prototype shutdown CBs look. He looks like rookie year Patrick Peterson. Outside of Richie Sherman, who is a crazy outlier, top CBs tend to look and run like Gilbert. I think the Lions go with that here over in-state product Dennard, who has crazy stats but holds more than a Comcast customer service rep.
I don't think they will go Odell Beckham here, but I do think that doing so would be a much smarter move than trading their draft away for Watkins.
11. TENNESSEE TITANS - DARQUEZE DENNARD, CB, MICHIGAN STATE
The Titans just lost Alterraun Verner, who was a pretty damn good corner. Their front 7 are very good and there is not a QB here to replace Locker, so...wait, could they? Could they go with the Bort-ster?
...no. I think they go Dennard. If you look at Verner last year, and you look at Dennard's college tapes, you may think you're looking at the same person. San Francisco apparently will suck a team's dick to move up and take Odell Beckham, but I don't think they break out the kneepads for Tennessee.
12. NEW YORK GIANTS - CALVIN PRYOR, S, LOUISVILLE
Hmmm. Tough call here. The Jints need line help but the only guy left is Zack Martin and I don't think they go Notre Dame technician in the first. I don't think they go for Beckham what with their stable of WRs.
They could use a safety and a corner, and I think they go safety over corner and grab Calvin Pryor. Pryor is a monster hitter at safety who flies all over the field. He looks exactly like Bob Sanders did coming out of Iowa.
13. ST. LOUIS RAMS
If San Francisco is going to trade up for Beckham, I think this is the spot they'll move into to do so.
It's gonna cost them, but probably not as much as it would cost with other teams. St. Louis seems to love moving down.
49ers trade their 1st, 2nd and next year's 1st and 3rd for this spot. And they suck Jeff Fisher's dick.
13. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers - ODELL BECKHAM, WR, LSU
Odell Beckham is only 6' 195, but he plays like he's bigger. The guy goes up and gets the ball over people, which makes sense as the corners are generally no bigger than he is. This dude looks like exactly what people wanted Mike Wallace to be.
14. CHICAGO BEARS - HA'SEAN CLINTON-DIX, S, ALABAMA
I refuse to call this motherfucker "Ha-Ha". Maybe LOL. LOL Clinton-Dix has a good ring to it.
This is wishful thinking, as I want the Steelers to take Fuller. Clinton-Dix looks like he'll be decent at best. I hope Chicago thinks he'll be awesome and wastes the 14th pick on him.
15. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - KYLE FULLER, CB, VIRGINIA TECH
Fuller probably goes to Chicago, but I'm the King of Wishful Thinking and I'm slotting him to Pgh. He's basically their ideal corner, a physical tackler who can get all up in the WR's grill and has the ball skills to match. In fact, I think he's the best corner in this draft.
16. DALLAS COWBOYS - ANTHONY BARR, DE/OLB, UCLA
I think Anthony Barr has a pretty good chance of being a bust, but he's an athletic specimen who dominated a position in college that he was new to, so I see the other side of this argument. If the Cowboys think he'll be great, they'd have to be thrilled to get Demarcus Ware's replacement at 16. Expect to see film of Jerrah Jones jerking it (say that three times fast) on his giant scoreboard.
Miami really needs a left tackle and I think they get antsy. There's nobody really for Baltimore to rush to the podium and select, so they move back two spots for let's say Miami's 2nd.
17. MIAMI DOLPHINS - ZACK MARTIN, OT, NOTRE DAME
Miami is like San Francisco, in that they'll blow somebody for a left tackle. If Martin falls this far, I think they'll get jumpy and move up to secure his services. He'll probably be boring as hell just like every other Dolphins player.
18. NEW YORK JETS - BRANDIN COOKS, WR, OREGON STATE
It appears that the Jets are infatuated with Cooks, a midget WR who plays like a mini Calvin Johnson. This little dude can outrun DBs and also go up over them and win jump balls. Pretty cray. He's like the Honey Badger at WR. Both the animal and Mathieu. And the Jets need to continue upgrading what was last year probably the worst WR corps ever assembled in the entire history of Lamar Hunt's AFL.
19. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Hmm.
I think Green Bay would love to get Ebron. However, if the draft plays out like this, does Baltimore take him? There's no other team that would move up to get him.
I think Baltimore could trade Ebron to Green Bay for their 1st and say 4th, and would probably do it.
19. GREEN BAY PACKERS - ERIC EBRON, TE, UNC
Ebron is the top TE and the Packers really need a TE. Maybe this version of JerMike Finley will show some consistency. I don't think he'll be that great in the NFL but everybody else seems to.
20. ARIZONA CARDINALS - BLAKE BORTLES, QB, UCF
I've come around on this one. If Bortles falls, and Bruce Arians sees young Ben Roethlisberger, I can see him making this selection. Unfortunately, Bortles throws like Ben Stein. I think he's going to suck.
21. BALTIMORE RAVENS - CJ MOSLEY, ILB, ALABAMA
I forgot that Mosley was even available. The Ravens probably remember having a decent middle linebacker and can consider the fact that Mosley has yet to murder multiple people a bonus.
22. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - RYAN SHAZIER, ILB, OHIO STATE
I don't know if this is a need. I assume it is since Stewart Bradley stole money from the Eagles for a few years. Shazier is athletic as hell and looks like a Madden ILB in his highlight tapes. On most tapes, though, he gets washed out of the play immediately. Very Alec Ogletree-ish, but that seemed to work out really well for the Rams.
23. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - MARQISE LEE, WR, USC
Ok. Chiefs have a few places they could go here.
- They could grab Ra'Shede Hageman or some other DL they like
- Could grab an OL
- Could get another weapon for Alex Smith to ignore
I think they go with the latter, and now that I think about it....hmm. I'm not gonna change it but if I were Baltimore I'd see what they wanted to move up and take a shot at Ebron.
In this case, I think they take the WR. I HATE big-year USC WRs that slant their way to 100 catches in a wide-open west coast one-look quick read offense that I guess works against Washington State, but who else can they take here? A guy that runs 5 yard routes is perfect for Alex Smith, as he refuses to throw the ball more than 10 yards in the air. Kelvin Benjamin would rot into the ground of Dwayne Bowe's graveyard. Lee seems to be the only available option that makes sense.
24. CINCINNATI BENGALS - BRADLEY ROBY, CB, OHIO STATE
Appears that Roby is getting some run as a first round option over Jason Verrett, and the Bengals have been atrophying at the corner spot recently. Leon Hall's achilles tendons are made out of hymens and Terrance Newman is like 40 now. Even Pacman is in his 30s. It's 2014, man! Crazy.
I think they either go Ealy or a corner here. So I guess we'll go corner and they'll probably look to add DEs later.
25. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - XAVIER SU'A-FILO, G, UCLA
The Chargers have a godawful offensive line and have forever. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what AJ Smith did to this once stacked roster should be a felony. With no standout defensive prospects available, I think they address the offensive line. Su'a-Filo is a guard that I saw ranked highly on a list.
26. CLEVELAND BROWNS - KELVIN BENJAMIN, WR, FLORIDA STATE
Hells yeah! They take Johnny Foosball, they have Josh Gordon, why not go full bore and create an insane Madden offense? Benjamin is fat as hell but he's tall and he didn't look that fat when he was catching mad TDs over everyone last year at Florida State. He also never raped anyone nor stole any delicacies from the local grocer. A high character individual who won't even need the Peter Warrick discount at Dillard's with Cleveland's low cost of living.
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - Don't know
NOLA could probably go anywhere with this one. They have a pretty strong roster so I'd think they'll go BPA for the most part. Let's see who is available...
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - KYLE VAN NOY, DE/OLB, BYU
Haven't watched much of this guy, but he apparently did nothing but produce. However, by nature of playing at BYU, he most assuredly did not reproduce. Hahahahaahaha get it?
Can never have too many pass rushers.
28. CAROLINA PANTHERS - ALLEN ROBINSON, WR, PSU
Carolina has zero in the way of pass catchers. They need some pass catchers, to catch passes. Robinson seems to be rated too low, he looks good on tape. Panthers could go OL if they like Moses or Bitonio but I'm flashy so let's get some diva WRs!
If a team wants a QB, they need to jump ahead of Houston's 33rd overall pick. And you know New England likes to trade down so they can blow later round picks.
Minnesota gives up their 2nd, 3rd and next year's 2nd and 5th to jump ahead and grab the younger Carr, who would probably go higher if his name weren't Carr and who looks like he can also bust like he was Christian Ponder's younger brother and that would be hilarious.
29. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - DEREK CARR, QB, FRESNO STATE
I know nothing about him except that his brother sucked. I don't necessarily hold that against him because Aaron Rodgers and Carson Palmer have terrible brothers, but I do think it causes him to fall.
30. ST. LOUIS RAMS - CYRUS KOUANDJIO, OT, ALABAMA
Ok. I had Joel Bitonio here because I read about him on a list and how his versatility has allowed him to Swiss Army knife his way into late first round talk.
But this is the Business Horse mock draft. And Business Horse knows that before a potential knee injury that like, could happen or something red flagged him, and before the top three tackles stole his thunder, Kouandjio was the it-girl amongst OT prospects. He has beastish potential and the Rams could stand to move Saffold to the hilariously-overpaid guard position. Surprises happen every draft and here's one of them. You heard it from the Horse's mouth.
31. DENVER BRONCOS - JASON VERRETT, CB, TCU
The Broncos struggled mightily at times last year stopping the pass. They signed Aqib Talib! Yeah, well, they also let Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, the good version I may add, walk in free agency. I think they try to upgrade the corner spot. They have a narrow window right now so they could also make a big move to trade up, but I don't know who it is that they would covet enough in order to do so.
32. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - DEMARCUS LAWRENCE, DE, BOISE STATE
Straight-up explosive pass rusher. That's what Seattle does - they have a great secondary and a hilariously deep group of great pass rushers that disrupt offenses all day and stay fresh while doing it. It sounds easy when you say it like that, but you gotta draft the athletes as well as they did and, to be fair, before the Hawks started doing it, no other team stacked their roster with DEs like this. Teams had maybe two good rush DEs or a pass rushing OLB and then that was it, the backups were just guys. Seattle goes 3 deep at each spot and rotates them in like a full-court press basketball team. They let some of those guys go, so they gotta restock to keep doing what they do over the next few seasons as that secondary gets expensive. They could use a WR but the second and third WR tier is so deep that I think they wait, or they could get a TE if they like Jace Amaro. I don't think they'll take Sefarian-Jenkins because the last thing the Seahawks need is another criminal tight end from UW. In the end I think they keep doing what they do, and that's ruining passing games.
And there you have it. Usually when I do these, I have to look up the last 5 or 6 guys because I have no idea who they are or who is available. Not this year - this draft is insane. Like 10 of these guys could have gone first overall last year.
Let's get it on.