BUSINESS HORSE 2016 MOCK DRAFT EXTRAVAGANZA

Nowhere else to put this, so it's going on here. 

If the fuckers on TV can do shitty mock drafts, why can't I? This also makes watching the draft more enjoyable for me, and certainly more enjoyable than it was for young men in the Vietnam War era. As always, this is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Jk, it's not, I do what I want I'm a grown ass man


1. LA RAMS - Jared Goff, QB, California
Before recently, the hype train for Goff had been mainly underground, leading to his nickname of "Subway Jared". Then the Rams traded like 6 picks to move up to number 1, and nothing happened because they assumed they were going to draft Carson Wentz. However, some brilliant people then connected the dots to realize that a) Carson Wentz is some random-ass dude who probably fucks free range bison in North Dakota for sport and b) Goff went to college a mere 8 hours or so from LA. I mean, it's perfect! I haven't paid much attention to either of these QBs but everyone says Goff is the pick. I don't want to watch any QBs this year so that works for me. It will be interesting to see if Goff is strong enough to fight off the effects of witchcraft after he arrives to training camp and Jeff Fisher casts a level 25 Mediocrity Spell. 

2. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota
I never have any idea what the Eagles are doing. It's certainly weird to trade away all of your picks after Chip Kelly isn't even there to fuck them up anymore. It's extremely odd to pay Chase Daniel in Lunchables let alone give him $7 million per annum. And now they have pissed off Princess Sam Bradford to move up and get the QB Bridesmaid, likely to be Lumberjack Ryan Tannehill. I mean Carson Wentz. 

Wentz actually has Andrew Luck-esque measurables, so maybe he'll be good. I don't know. 

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - Jalen Ramsey, CB/S, Florida State
I've read Tunsil mocked to this spot quite often, and I just do not see it. I'm also listing Ramsey as a CB/S as most sites seem to do this, but to me he's a corner, at least through his rookie contract. I guess he's Charles Woodson, though I think he'll be a better CB than Woodson was as most teams seem to be playing more zone now.

Ramsey is big, physical, strong and aggressive and he's a smart dude, too. He's no Antonio Cromartie. Kind of reminds me of a young Cromartie, though - when Cromartie was young he was a freakish corner and Ramsey appears to be the same. He's got some Marcus Peters in him but while maybe not as strong and feisty (who is), he's more fluid. Peters made some big plays but he also got beat a lot. 

One area where I wasn't as impressed as the others was his pure man coverage - Ramsey doesn't seem to physically press (maybe that's FSU's scheme, just turn and run?) and he gets lost in man coverage sometimes - but nobody's perfect. Everybody hates Cam Newton now because God forbid dudes trained to break each other in half on a field act like something other than foreign dignitaries at all times and Ramsey can be a bit cocky, so I'm sure people will complain about that after he's drafted. I'll continue thinking that it's dumb. 

Of all the possible comparisons, the one I see the most for Ramsey's ceiling is a significantly more athletic version of Richard Sherman. As a bad case scenario (I mean worst case is always that he just blows ass or gets hit by a bus or something, so I'm thinking merely bad), he's probably Cromartie. Do you take that 3rd overall? Hell yeah you do, and you thank the deity of your choice that there are 2 decent enough QBs this year to push him down.

4. DALLAS COWBOYS - Shit.
I have no idea where to go with this one. I think Bosa is overrated as hell and will not put up significant sack numbers in the NFL. He's strong as hell and will probably set the hell out of the edge and blow up some running plays but you don't draft that 4th overall, do you? I think Bosa is probably best set as a new-breed 3-4 "playmaking" DE, and the Cowboys already have one 3-4 prototype playing 4-3 DE in Randy Gregory. Assuming he stops doing whatever he's doing.

Shaq Lawson? I think he's a bit of an oaf despite his measurables telling a different tale but that was as a 3-4 OLB. Maybe he is worthy of this pick as a traditional DE?

I don't think Myles Jack is the best scheme fit....but they could drop Ro McClain in time and put Jack in the middle after he plays some OLB. Assuming his knee checks out. I think Jack is best suited to be a 3-4 ILB where he could be Ryan Shazier on steroids but it's all 4-3 teams at the top.

Would anyone trade up for Tunsil? (scanning) Probably not. I bet the Ravens will just take whoever falls between Tunsil and the defensive linemen. 

Could the Cowboys take Shawn Oakman to replace Greg Hardy? Jk jk

I need to look up DeForest Buckner.

Verdict: Why do so many people love DeForest Buckner? Let's get weird.

DALLAS COWBOYS - Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
I hate this pick, but weird shit happens every year and this is a meaningless mock draft so yinz can all blow me. I haven't watched that much Lawson tape but I know I just don't like Bosa like many people tend to and I don't think NFL scouts will either. In a perfect world, Ramsey falls to 4 but this ain't a perfect world. If it were, Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon would teammates outside of rehab flag football.

I would like the Cowboys to trade down and get Hargreaves but I can't make it happen and they reallllllly need DL. The Cowboys just noted to the media that they intend to stay at no. 4, which seems like something a team that wants to trade would say to answer a question that nobody was really asking.

5. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS - Myles Jack, ILB/OLB, UCLA
Rumors say that Jack's knee is made out of Sam Bradfordium, a rare and unstable element that in its purest form only has a half-life of 1.32 seasons. But pre-draft rumor is just that and I have no idea how much stock to put into that. The issue is a meniscus, which can cause long-term wear issues in the knee similar to ones Dwynaneyane Wade has experienced, though Wade had his meniscus removed and I'm not a fuckin' doctor so take that with a Wilfork-sized grain of salt. 

If Jack is healthy, he's Luke Kuechly mixed with some Ryan Shazier, IMO. Potentially the best ILB in the NFL if he hits his ceiling. Usually ILB don't go this early (I think Jack is best suited for ILB simply because I think ILBs have more playmaking opportunities if you exclude pass rushing), but this isn't a great year and Jack is that good and Kuechly is a boss and Bobby Wagner really makes the Seahawks defense go and things change, yo.

6. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
I think this pick would take all of 12 seconds to make. I wanted to put Hargreaves here just to be different but I couldn't do it. Tunsil is a great athlete with great technique who just seems to do everything well. I'm not good enough at offensive line to compare him to anybody - so I'm going to compare him to Orlando Pace with a moderate hangover. Like not throwing up every play but he's a bit dizzy from drinking so much ok I just made that up and that makes no sense but Tunsil is....is he like a bigger Tyron Smith? Is he like a version of Levi Brown that had 3 wishes and wished to be better at football three times? Is he Tony Boselli in blackface? I don't even remember why Tony Boselli was good but that would be a pretty sweet nickname for everybody on TV to dance around. 

If I were the Cowboys I would offer to trade with Baltimore for little in return, like maybe a 5th rounder, assuming they agree on Bosa and Buckner. Which they probably don't. Jerrah probably loves Bosahh.

7. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS - Leonard Floyd, OLB, Georgia
Whoa, what? Shit's gettin wildddddddddddd

This isn't really a pure mock of what I think is going to happen, it's just something I do when I'm bored and a bit of a hobby so I'm going to have the 49ers take one of my favorite players in the draft who also happens to have that highly sought after ability to rush the QB off the edge. Floyd is skinny but he can totes get some HGH and he's a great athlete. This ain't Jarvis Jones - Floyd is not only probably the best athlete of the edge guys in this class, he's also rather advanced in technique compared to many of them. He has a few moves! That seems to be a lot when looking at college guys. 

He also played in a 3-4 in college, as the 49ers use. He isn't exactly good in coverage but at least he has some experience and he seems to have the athleticism to potentially improve there. I don't know man, I'm just not seeing it with Bosa. The 49ers shocked me years ago and took some random dude named Aldon, so why not do it again? Who knows, perhaps this guy won't be drinking on his way to practice. 

8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
You know...as much as I like the idea of Bosa as a 3-4 DE, I just can't bring myself to do it.

8. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
I would consider Hargreaves too but I'm just thinking that the Browns may have corner fatigue. 

This seems really high for Conklin, but I got around to watching him recently and I really liked him. I'm not a huge Ronnie Stanley fan. I keep reading that Conklin is destined for RT in the NFL and I don't believe it (primarily because LT/RT has become blurred - you can put your best OT at left tackle and watch Von Miller line up on your right) - but for now that's what he is. This is already getting carried away. 

9. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
I refuse to say THE Ohio State, unless I'm making fun of Ohio State. Which is deserved because Ohio is everyone's least favorite state. My 2nd least favorite state is I have no idea.

Bosa's fall stops at 9, hypothetically, in this waste of time exercise, where the Bucs have been trying forever to find somebody who doesn't suck to play end. I don't think Bosa sucks, I just don't see top-5 talent. Yes, he beat a triple team once. Yes, he's pushed a few guys into the QBs lap. Yeah, he had a ton of sacks and tackles for loss (so did Jarvis Jones). I just see a lot of doing nothing in between all of these big plays and I don't see much ability to get to the QB outside of pure strength. There's no great moves, there's no beating tackles around the corner, I dunno...I just don't see it. He seems like he'll be solid but not spectacular. He's like a 30 year old chick's tits. Joey "30 Year Old Tits" Bosa. I like the sound of that. Should catch on. 

10. NEW YORK GIANTS - Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
The Giants could realistically take just about anybody here and it would be a sensible pick, but I like Hargreaves the most and they just gave up like, the most yards ever in the history of color television. Signing Janoris Jenkins to a Too Many Years Too Many Dollars contract might help but when you give up 40,000 yards, one guy isn't going to fix your secondary. 

Hargreaves III is not getting enough respect, IMO. He doesn't have the top end speed of William Jackson III or Eli Apple and doesn't have the height either, but his combine numbers show great quickness and that shows up in the games and he is light years ahead of the other corners technically. And that includes Ramsey. This is the only guy who looks like he is playing corner. He's everything people want Mackensie Alexander to be. 

People are talking about Hargreaves in the same breath as guys like Jackson and Apple....I'm not. I don't even know how Eli Apple got into this conversation. I don't hate him but I wouldn't draft Eli Apple in the top 20 with Matt Millen's dick.

11. CHICAGO BEARS - Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
Holy Christ, I have no idea who Chicago's LT is. What is a Charles Leno? Ronnie Stanley is a true oaf but the dude is strong as hell and when he gets his hands on people, they move where he makes them move. They move very slowly but they move nonetheless. This may be a dumb pick but this isn't my job so fuck Charles Leno. GET BETTER CHARLES LENO

12. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - WIlliam Jackson III, CB, Houston
The Saints are garbage in a lot of places but nowhere are they trashier than corner. Brandon Browner was in a wheelchair last season and Keenan Lewis is getting old and ineffective. Enter BJ3!

BJ3 isn't the most technically sound corner and he gets beat a lot but he also makes a ton of interceptions. He's big and fast and feisty and he's a poor man's Marcus Peters. Maybe not even a poor man but a man who had a decent investment portfolio but put too much of it into oil and gas and he's taken a bit of a hit. But his can-do spirit is intact and he's going to get right back at it and try to make that money back, preferably not depending too heavily on commodities to do so. Jackson III is that guy's version of Marcus Peters.

13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Somebody Boring and Shitty, Some Stupid College
Hmmm. The Dolphins continue being boring as hell without any giant gaping holes (though Brazzers is nearby) but not too many areas of great strength. They should only have one uniform color, and it should be grey. And their logo should not be a Dolphin but instead just a seal. Just a regular seal going about his day on a rock, not causing any harm and just like, eating fish and squeaking and shit. But I guess they have to draft somebody either way.

13. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Ezekiel Elliot, RB, Ohio State
Ehhh, why not? If they were so cool with Jay Ajayi they probably wouldn't have tried to sign away CJ Anderson. This dude is a boss and drafting RBs high is cool again because Todd Gurley is awesome and everybody in the NFL has the attention span of a rainbow trout.

14. OAKLAND RAIDERS - Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor
Well, it's a deep draft for interior DL so they gotta start flying off the board somewhere.

I've read Billings being ranked anywhere from fringe top 10 to 2nd round. I'm in the former group and I'd take him before either of the boring Alabama guys or Nkemdiche. He's a wrecking ball who can also create pressure and he's 19 years old. He's probably going to improve a bit, just like Amobi Okoye....ok, bad example. But still. This guy is a beast and I don't see him falling far.

A'Shawn Robinson plays like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and put on the field. Andrew Billings plays like a burmese python that swallowed Aaron Donald whole. I'll take the python.


15. TENNESSEE TITANS - Karl Joseph, S, WVU
Every year, every mock draft is mostly wrong. So screw convention. 

We're talking about Jayron Smith and Myles Jack's injuries and what their effects will be, but Karl Joseph has a run-of-the-mill ACL injury and he's suddenly a lock 2nd round afterthought? I don't believe it. Karl Joseph is a machine designed to kill (though apparently the knee ligaments were a design flaw) and he's also got the ability to play more of a "free" role and go after the ball. This dude is one of my favorite players in the draft. Seems to be one of most people's favorite players in the draft. So why wouldn't Old Man LeBeau stump for his new Troy Polamalu when the Titans talk about grabbing the 5th best offensive tackle? Answer: he would. Old Man LeBeau is probably wearing a WVU jersey right now and yelling at everybody in Nashville to run to the ball.

16. DETROIT LIONS - Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama
I tried to make a trade here but there's no pass rusher good enough to jump Atlanta for. So if Detroit has to make the pick, I think they'll take an interior DT.

I don't love Jarran Reed but haven't watched all that much. I definitely don't like A'Shawn Robinson, who looks like a big dude that was plucked out of the stands and thrown onto the field. I'd preferably put Nkemdiche here but I don't think the new good-guy Lions would take him after the Nick Fairley experiment. So here's a DT off a list. Next.

17. ATLANTA FALCONS - Noah Spence, DE/OLB, Directional Kentucky
The Falcs have been fiending for pass rushers, so I think they'll take a chance on a falling talent. I'm much more worried about "weed guys" than Spence....no one on this planet depents on mollies to start their day. People become dependent on weed, though...almost like caffeine. IMO, again, not a doctor but I did fuck some chick from Backpages.com at a Holiday Inn Express once. I think it's much easier to stop using party drugs than it is to stop toking up. 

I haven't looked at Spence much, so I'm going off what I read. If he sucks he sucks, whatever, ain't my franchise. In that case he'll have a nice job lined up at Home Depot after he washes out of the NFL.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - The Worst Pick in the Draft
Ryan Grigson is so bad at his job. They've squandered the Luck rookie-contract era. He almost got a good coach in Pagano fired. So what does Irsay do? Pops some oxycontins and signs Grigs to an extension. What is the worst pick right now? I'm not even going to look at their roster.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State
How about that. I don't get it with Lee. Yeah, he's fast. Yeah, I guess he played some safety. Deone Buchanan kind of working has made people lose their minds. I just don't think Lee is al that good at either, so he sounds like a Grigson pick. 

TRADE - DENVER TRADES SOME SHIT TO BUFFALO FOR THE 19TH PICK

19. DENVER BRONCOS - Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
Ok. We talk about how QB is so important, we see St. Louis and Philly trade the farm for two questionable top QB prospects, and we're just gonna right off Lynch because he "may be the most talented QB in this draft but he's a bit raw"? WTF? Lynch ain't making it past the Jets. Maybe the Jets will actually try to trade up to get him. Maybe the Browns will take him. But I always have trades in my draft and this one seems to make sense, assuming Denver has any picks left to trade to Buffalo. Buffalo actually has a damn good roster and they can just grab whoever is BPA at 31 and add some mid-round picks as well to shore everything up.

20. NEW YORK JETS - Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor
The shellshocked Jets take...I don't know, Corey Coleman. Doesn't seem like a need but it's not like teams just line up in the first round and knock down needs. I think Corey Coleman will be a capital S Star and will light the NFL up, even if sad Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing to him after failing to bilk a 2nd team out of multiple millions of dollars. He can play in the slot until all of Brandon Marshall's personalities decide to retire.

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS - Vernon Butler, DT, La. Tech
Washington is another team that can go almost anywhere. So I'll have them grabbing a nose tackle in Vernon Butler. Butler is like a bigger Billings, not quite as explosive but still a force and I think he can play nose. I'm also getting bored. Butler blows shit up, so look for Al Qaeda to draft him if the Redskins pass.

22. HOUSTON TEXANS - Hunter Henry, TE, Arkansas
Houston really needs some offense and they really need a tight end. This is a horrible year for TE but Hunter Henry is graded as a 1st rounder and that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge about him. 

23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
I'm copying this from multiple sites. I don't love Josh Doctson so I can't put my own touch on this. Vikings need a WR, Treadwell needs a good home. Awwwww see how things work out

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS - Josh Doctson, WR, TCU
I don't know why I don't like Doctson. Seems everyone else does. He's big, he's fast enough, he goes up and gets the ball, he's like Mike Evans, who went top 10 in a great draft. I don't know what it is but I'm just not impressed by Doctson on tape. Ehhh. He'll probably ball out and the Bengals are suddenly short on 'ceivers. 

25. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - Darian Thompson, FS, Boise State
Man. All the players I wanted to get to the Steelers are gone (Joseph, Jackson III, Floyd, Billings, even Corey Coleman). So I'll put Thompson here over someone like Nkemdiche. 

He had a rough combine but improved his numbers a bit in the Pro Day and....well, he just looks awesome when you watch his tapes. Everybody says "oh 40 times are stupid, the Combine is dumb" and then they drop guys like Thompson after running poorly. He looks plenty fast on tape, he's big, strong, plays the ball well, looked fluid enough playing some slot corner, he's a baller. I think he's the pick over an Eli Apple or Mack Alexander.

I'm sure I've forgotten somebody but whatever. (EDIT: That somebody is DeForest Buckner but I don't think he's good so I hope it's not him.

26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Any offensive lineman

26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Josh Garnett, OG, Stanford
Seattle's OL is a joke. So they played better in the 2nd half....like 2 of those guys weren't even offensive linemen in college. I have a theory as to why good teams generally have good guards and ILBs - because those guys fall a lot and when you are consistently drafting in the 20s, sometimes you gots to just take the best player available. I think that it's Garnett here, and it fills a huge need. I'd also consider Tyler Boyd. For real. I think he makes a lot of sense here.

27. GREEN BAY PACKERS - Bob Nkemdiche, DE, Ole Miss
Green Bay needs some front 7 help and they seem to have been whiffing on it a lot lately. I think Nkemdiche is easily the most talented DL left and he has a 3-4 DE build, so another team that consistently drafts in the 20s takes a falling talent that matches their scheme. I'm not even gonna look up if they need DEs...I think they do. Nkemdiche is aloof according to everybody but, really, didn't he do something that was technically legal? I don't know. He needs some work finishing plays and finding the ball but he rips through offensive lineman like a hot knife through Mike Adams.

28. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
As fun as it would be to have the Chiefs taking another Pitt WR in the 20s, I'll throw in an athletic projection corner to replace Sean Smith. Apple is not nearly as good as some people make him out to be but he's not nearly as bad as the people who think he's not a top CB seem to make him out to be. He's tall. He's not big, and every time I read that he's strong against the run I laugh for 5 minutes, but he's not small. Just a tall somewhat lanky corner who plays corner pretty well, doesn't get beat deep often and makes a few plays on the ball from time to time. He's fast and athletic enough that he could become a really good corner, although I just cannot see him ever doing anything but getting tossed out of the way by blockers against the run. I wouldn't draft corners to tackle RBs, but I read it so often about Apple and I don't understand what the people paid to watch these guys are actually watching when they say he's a strong run defender. He stops the run in much the same way that Apple stops random people from accessing celebrity nudes. 

29. ARIZONA CARDINALS - No idea
Not sure who to put here. No area stands out as a dire need. Who is BPA? Wait....ok let's get wild again.

29. ARIZONA CARDINALS - Connor Cook, QB< Michigan State
Carson Palmer is 37ish and is Carson Palmer. Why? Eh, why not. Don't know much about Cook. Don't care. I'm ready to be done. 

30. CAROLINA PANTHERS - Tyler Boyd, WR, Pitt
I'd love to plug Mackensie Alexander in here to replace Norman but even with Norman's departure, the Panthers glaring lack of talent is in the WR corps, even with Kelvin Benjamin coming back. Cam Newton made TEDDY FUCKING GINN look great. Give him a real bookend WR and plug up the secondary with mid-round corners. There are a ton of them this year.

I think Tyler Boyd is awesome and this late-2nd round talk is nonsense. Hogwash. Applesauce! Mountain Dew Baja Blast! Yeah I've lost myself.

31. BUFFALO BILLS - REGGIE RAGLAND, ILB, Alabama
I'm not that high on Ragland. Then again I wasn't that high on CJ Mosley, and Ragland is that type of guy. Not going to blow you away athletically (even Mosley is significantly better in that regard) but the dude just tackles the shit out of people with the ball. That will be the majority of his job description. Hopefully he's just fast enough to not be a huge liability in a passing league but if Brandon Spikes could do it for a few years, Ragland certainly can.

32. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - No pick
I am so glad these guys cheated because I don't want to do this anymore


It turns out that I forgot to put DeForest Buckner in there. Mainly because I think he's not very good, but it seems like he's a lock to go high in the draft. So let's say he gets arrested before the draft for, I don't know, fuckin' stupid ass weed. He gets caught driving 48 in a 35 and has a joint in the console. Now he's going round 12. 

Ok see yinz in a year!

Business Horse's WEEK 7 FANTASY UPDATE

Hi guys, it's week 7 of the NFL season and it's time for my fantasy update. Everyone is so interested in fantasy these days and I don't quite understand it but I have to get with the times and give the audience what they need.

This week however, my fantasy is unchanged. I'm sitting there in the stable, just hangin' out and watchin' some Sportscenter on my 5-D paper-thin screened 9 million Hz Sony LIFEPROJECTOR TV when suddenly two hot ass mares walk up to the stable. I'm kinda tired today ladies, plus I'm selfish as hell, so I don't want to disappoint you two and I'm going to have to decline. Because obviously they wanted to bang, who doesn't?

That's when one surprises me and says "Biz - take it easy today. We just want you to lay back and enjoy this". Suddenly I'm pushed back into some hay and these girls go to town. Just straight up doin' work, blowing the horse like the winner gets added to the cast of Real Housewives. I didn't see a bus route outside, but these girls are just going to town.

Right as I'm about to finish, I take a look at the TV, and across the scroll I read that Derek Jeter just admitted to using steroids every season over his entire career. At that moment, I paint the barn walls with an explosion reminiscent of the Hindenburg. Every square inch of that barn is going to need sanitized. I lay back and smile....for this was my Jackson Pollock moment.

So yeah, that's still my fantasy. I'll update you in Week 8 if it changes.

Fashed Potatoes 3 - Old Lady Loubs

I hate Louboutin shoes.

I don't give the slightest featherweight fuck that the bottom of a shoe is red. It does not concern me. The bottoms of many shoes are many different colors. Why one particular brand being red is such a big deal is beyond me - $7 Starter athletic shorts are reversible and no one sucks their dicks over it, probably because in every other non-Louboutin walk of life, nobody sucks dicks over a color.

On top of that, these shoes, which were described to me as "gorgeous" and "classic" and "I need to have these" and "I should probably just spend all of my money on shoes because money is an arbitrary concept that only works due to our faith in it and if say some bankers in Iowa conspired to artificially alter its value so they could arbitrage corn or some shit we could end up in a new-age, millenial civil war and if I die in a civil war I'm going to be fabulous while doing so". I may have made that last one up. But...you want them in OLD LADY?

Look at those things and tell me that you can't see Blanche Deveraux rocking them to the max. That is the color of menopause. Nobody that wears these shoes ovulates.

Here's how Neiman-Marcus describes them:

"Reach new heights with the Christian Louboutin "So Kate" pump - a seemingly classic shape that's saucy in glossy patent with leg-lifting elevation."

Ok - where to start first. I'll just ignore how stupid the name is.

"Seemingly" classic - what do you mean, seemingly? How is that a good thing? Add seemingly to some sentences and see how reassuring it makes them.

- "She was seemingly STD free when we hooked up"
- "Yeah he's seemingly sober enough to drive"
- "You would seemingly be safe locked in a hotel room for an hour with Bill Cosby"

Secondly - saucy. Trying too hard, Neiman. You aren't edgy. The only reason these shoes are saucy is because if you wear them you are an old lady and thus you are probably quite often making sauce.

And finally, glossy patent isn't a color. It's something you use when you don't want to say the real color, which is old lady carnation.

So in summary, don't buy Blanche Deveraux's shoes. Get these things outta the Stable!

Fashed Potatoes 2 - Absurdly Expensive Boots

I've been reminded that the potatoes are piling up and they need to be fashed. Today I bring you some stupid $800 boots.

Above are some Stuart Weitzman Highland boots, which my stablemate Nicole has been fantasizing over for about two months and finally bought because she realized that she does indeed have $800 that could be turned into one single pair of boots. These boots are apparently all kinds of pluralized apocopations, such as "phenoms" and "increds". I see some plain kneehigh boots that are cool enough but not worth $800, which puts them into the same category in which I place all boots ever created by humankind. The Highland boots differ from most absurdly overpriced boots in that they have burlap sack tie-cords attached to the top and can hold over 4 cubic liters of orphan tears.

I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news first is that for the price of these boots you could lease a Hyundai Elantra for like 4 months and drive it about 4,000 miles before hitting your mileage limit. The good news is that you could walk 10 hours a day at the average walking speed of 3.1 mph in these stupid boots and also get to about 4,000 miles. It's up to you to determine how you want to get from point A to point who gives a shit.

You could buy a PS4 for the price of these boots, destroy it with a hammer in front of a poor kid and still have enough money left over to buy a replacement PS4.

For $800, you could adopt 16 Snow Leopard cubs. Think of how many leopard coats you could turn them into in a few years‽ It pays to think about your future.

$800 probably buys lifetime WNBA season tickets for the Phoenix Mercury. Put on some flip flops and take the whole family! You can either wear big-name boots or watch Britney Griner barely dunk all over some poor girls playing for the LA Sparx. I know my choice - I'm going with GrineTime.

The boots are fine but - $800 for some boots, man. That don't jive with the Horse. I suggest pairing these with a $2000 designer purse and showing up 2 hours late to show the commoners who really means fashion. You're weak, I'm chic, DEAL WITH IT.

Until next time, keep wasting your money on shoes.

FASHED POTATOES - Leopard Coats

I am so back. For now. Probably going to quit again tomorrow.

Anyway, this FASHED POTATOES segment is bout to pop off all up in your heads and all in your mouths and shittttt. Every time my stablemate Nicole sends me clothes she wants to buy from some random site on the internet and asks my opinion, I'm gonna fash-critique the hell out of it. Just like Joan Rivers would have done before overdosed on fashion. RIP Joan, you was a bad bitch. She was acidic as hell, pretty much the opposite of basic. JOAN RIVERS WOULD MELT YOUR SKIN

Anyways, this week I was sent a barrage of stupid leopard coats. Let's pick the best one!

1. 

Alright, that one is pretty sick. The chick in the picture is basic as fuck but you can't catch basic through photography so I'm probably safe. We're worried about 3 people with Ebola yet no one has done a damn about the basic epidemic. "Oh look at me, I have stupid glasses and blond hair and a sweater and one hand in my pocketttt, while the other issss beinggg basic as fuckkkk." But I digress. I actually just assume this is what fashion people say.

This jacket is nice. Like, you can wear this and look like a real-ass leopard. For a second people would actually think that "hey, is that a leopard on the loose?" until they were like "nahhh, there's no real leopards in Blue Martini". But that's all fashion is about...convincing people for a few seconds that you might be a real leopard.

2.

Oh GET OUT OF HERE. First off, that hat is atrocious. It looks like the wicked witch of Boca Racon just swooped down riding her wooden BMW 3-Series. Combine that with that stupid ass denim jacket that you ladies try to class up by calling it "chambray"* and a tight, long pointless leopard jacket that looks like someone cut it out of a throw rug and I want to throw up out of my dick. 

Sidenote: stop classing up denim jackets by calling them chambray. If I acid wash jean shorts, no one is going to compliment me on my "chamborts".

Wait...I think this lady is trying to signal me! She needs help! She's...hold on....OH MY GOD! She's trapped in the early 2000s! SHE IS BEING KIDNAPPED BY AN AVRIL LAVIGNE CD COVER! Someone call the National Guard!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxsHXuM6ah0

Son of a bitch....they are already occupied! CURSE YOU SHANNON SHARPE! I can't seem to embed videos.

Anyway, this jacket sucks and I said no. First, it's stupidly tight so that it just looks like a regular jacket with leopard color spray-painted on. Isn't the point of buying fake leopard fur to make it look like you are ballin' enough to have actual leopard fur? Either that or you reared a young leopard cub from birth and then when it got old enough to fit you, you hit it with your car, skinned it and made a nice coat to wear to classy joints like art gallery openings and shit. This looks like a jacket you wear to "Friends - The Movie". Secondly...I don't have a secondly. This one sucks and I said no or else I'm gonna burn it. 

3. 

Ok....this one's cool even though it's another chick who looks a first lieutenant in the Basic Army. I can't tell if this girl dressed like this on purpose with the "edgy nun" thing she has going on or if she hastily got dressed in the middle of a Bosnian civil war. What I do know is that jacket is pretty nice and fluffy and mad leop, son. 

Don't really like the zipper thing though, but I guess I could deal with it if functionality is preferred over real leopardness. I definitely prefer number 1 but at least this one is 8 times better than that shit number 2 tried to pass off as fashion. 

But JFC, replace those boots. This chick probably has a well-known nickname like "The Flaccifyer" or something. 

4.

I like this one a lot, probably because there's no model to annoy me on the site. It's not as bright as the first three but damn, you wear that ladies and you might actually hunt in the woods for gazelles. This thing probably comes with the soul of the leopard as well. That jacket is wet, son. Just plain silky.

However, I think I like the lighter ones best and I don't like the prominent zipper all that much so if I had to tell Nicole which one I like the most after really thinking about it, it would be #1. Followed by #4 then #3 and then getting your pubes slowly singed by prolonged direct engine exhaust exposure and then finally, #2. 

See yinz again next time I'm asked to pick an item out of a group and until then, KEEP YOUR FASHION OUT OF YOUR ASS!

BUSINESS HORSE'S 2014 NFL MOCK DRAFT

It's that time again - it's late but it's still that time assuming you're reading this. It's time for the annual Business Horse mock draft. It was annual before but under different names, and, of course, it was 100% correct. The following NFL draft selections are guaranteed to play out in NYC.

1. HOUSTON TEXANS

There's no way the Texans want this pick. Clowney is insanely beastish but does not appear to me to be an ideal candidate to switch to 3-4 OLB or to be the rush-neutered block-sponge that many 3-4 DEs are molded into. Khalil Mack, on the other hand, IS Von Miller. To the point that Mack may be on molly right now, sweating. Woo. So how can the Texans trade down and still have a shot at Mack? I GOT IT

Trade with JAX - 1st overall for the Jags's 3rd overall and let's say 2nd rounder this year and 4th rounder next year that becomes a 2nd if the Texans fail to get Mack. Holy shit can you do that? I think I just invented something that might be illegal.  

1. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SELECT JADAVEON CLOWNEY, DE, SOME OTHER PLANET

The Jags have been looking for pass rushers since Steve McNair were alive and they've been largely fruitless since. You may say, "well, Biz, why don't they just take Mack?". Well, I like Mack a lot but, Gus Bradley runs the same defense Seattle does and monster DEs make that system go. Plus, the Jags are the only team close enough to Houston that the Texans wouldn't ask for a king's ransom to make the move down. (Well, Rams too but I cannot see them trading up). Houston most likely really, really wants Mack and can't go down past 3 or 4 to have a shot at him. I don't think the Rams will take him and I don't think anybody will trade up with the Rams for Mack. Maybe for Manziel, which is another point - the Jags haven't had a QB since David Garrard, which, when you say "haven't had a QB since David Garrard" really reinforces how bad they've been at the position. So why not take Manziel? Well, even if they do believe in him, they could fear he goes 2nd to someone that flips with St Louis and they get fucked again. I think a Clowney that pans out would make that defense go.

Secondly, on Clowney - of course he took it easy last year. He didn't quit, but he didn't fight through injuries and play balls out all the time through triple teams but, why would he? Looking at it Businessally, it was the right move. If you were selling a car for $1 mil next week, you aren't going to say "well let's take it on one more drag race". And if people worry about "oh, what's he going to do in the NFL once he gets paid and has another big contract coming up" - it's marginal utility, dog. The difference between $0 and $10 million is so much bigger than the difference between $15 million and $30 million. I'm betting that Clowney dominates in the NFL.

2. ST LOUIS RAMS

Hmmm, who trades with the Rams? The Rams have built themselves into a surprisingly under-the-radar good team off of the RGIII bounty and look to do so again. However, without Clowney as a target, they have to make do with Manziel. The Rams are the only team that can't see that Sam Bradford is fragile and garbage, but that's another story.

So the Rams can't ask for a bounty here, and I don't think a team is going to give them what they want for the pick. Word is that the Bucs want Manziel and want to move up to #2 for him, but I can't see them giving the Rams what they want and I think in the end the Rams grit their teeth and use the pick.

2. ST LOUIS RAMS - SAMMY WATKINS, WR, CLEMSON

Watkins is like an unholy combination of Santonio Holmes and Andre Johnson, and the Rams really don't have much at WR. They haven't in awhile. Time to give Bradford some targets to miss before he gets hurt in week 3.

3. HOUSTON TEXANS - KHALIL MACK, OLB, BUFFALO

Khalil Mack is a beast and will murder people next to JJ Watt, who is like Justin Smith on horse steroids. This is much preferable to trying to shove Clowney into a 3-4 and also gives them some extra picks to play with down the line. Also, Chris Berman can say Khalil "return of the" Mack and people that wouldn't recognize humor if sodomized their ass canal with a candelabra can laugh.

4. CLEVELAND BROWNS - JOHNNY CLEVELAND, QB, TEXAS A&M

The Browns need a QB desperately. Like the deserts need rain or like Darren Sharper needs unconscious women. I don't see them taking one of the OTs, and if Sammy Watkins is off the board I think they take John Manziel.

They could always trade down but, they are close and it's time to stop trading down and picking Brandon Weedens. Imagine this team if it had Julio Jones to pair with Josh Gordon - it would be a much better team. I like Hoyer but they need to take their shot at a star QB and I think this is where they take it. I also don't believe the reports that they absolutely won't draft Manziel at 4. They won't if Watkins is there, but I have him off of the board. And they're not taking a tackle, I'll bet like a kilo of oats on it.

5. OAKLAND RAIDERS - MIKE EVANS, WR, TEXAS A&M

The recipient of Manziel's floaters, the Raiders would probably prefer Mack or Watkins but if this is how the chips end up falling, I think they'll go WR over one of the tackles. Could also trade down if some team is desperate for Matthews or Robinson, but I don't think they'll pass on the chance to finally have an NFL WR on their team. Well, Denarious Moore is good but he'll look much better on the other side across from Evans. If Matt Shob can't work with this, then he's done. Raiders will add a QB later in the draft, someone like Aaron Murray or Mettenberger that will end up being better than massive bust-to-be Blake Bortles.

6. ATLANTA FALCONS - JAKE MATTHEWS, OT, TEXAS A&M

Damn, another Aggie. That's it for them though as their team is garbage outside of these three.

Atlanta probably doesn't want to go tackle here, but they may have their hand forced by Mack and Clowney being gone. I don't think they'd take Aaron Donald and I don't see them reaching for Anthony Barr. What I do see, though, is Jake Matthews and his Hall of Fame pedigree going ahead of both Robinson and Lewan. Robinson is a projection based on athleticism and Lewan is potentially a rapicidal maniac, so I truly believe that the first team to take a tackle will play the bloodlines and take the guy with like 900 All-Pro NFL players in his family.

7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Fucked

They want Evans or Manziel. They get neither without a trade up. HEY NOW. Could the Bucs switch positions with Oakland? Who could Oakland possibly want at 7. Hmm. Don't care, let's make it happen. Oakland has like 3 picks this year and wants more.

5. TAMPA BAY - Mike Evans, WR, College Station TX

See above about Mike Evans, who is basically a faster Vincent Jackson. They are seriously the same person. Evans will be better. He's awesome at football.

They give Oakland a 7th and how about a 2nd and 5th, assuming they have them.

7. OAKLAND RAIDERS - TAYLOR LEWAN, OT, MICHIGAN

The Raiders do need a tackle pretty badly - I mean, they attempted to give Rodger Saffold like $42 million before Reggie McKenzie came to from his cocaine and paint fumes binge. I continually see Greg Robinson ranked at the top of the OT scrap heap but, I like Lewan more, as his tape shows a huge pass blocking LT that also has a meanstreak that allows him to play as a road-grading run blocker.  Lewan reminds me of a Robert Gallery type from Io....oh fuck. Oh well. Go Raiders.

8. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - AARON DONALD, DT, PITT

The Vikes have let lost about half of their DL and I think they look to replace some of that with Aaron Donald. Donald is awesome on tape and looks almost unblockable at times. I can't see them taking Bortles until Christian Ponder's memory is long erased from their minds. Maybe if Will Smith were the GM.

9. BUFFALO WILLIAMS - GREG ROBINSON, OT, AUBURN

The Bills either go with Williams or Barr, IMO. I think they take the tackle that reminds them of Mike Williams from Texas, who 10 years ago...wait, was a massive bust for the Bills. Oh well. Gotta have a short memory!

(jk, you don't...as the old saying goes, those that ignore history are doomed to draft athletic projection left tackles on the reg. I believe Lombardi said that.)

10. DETROIT LIONS - JUSTIN GILBERT, CB, OKLAHOMA ST

Rumblings of the Lions wanting to move up for Watkins are ignored here, as I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they are not dumb enough to mortage their entire draft in an insanely deep year to get a single player when they have multiple holes. One of those holes is at corner and I think that hole gets filled by the first-round dick of the draft in Justin Gilbert.

Gilbert is less impressive on his tapes than Dennard and Fuller, but he looks just like NFL prototype shutdown CBs look. He looks like rookie year Patrick Peterson. Outside of Richie Sherman, who is a crazy outlier, top CBs tend to look and run like Gilbert. I think the Lions go with that here over in-state product Dennard, who has crazy stats but holds more than a Comcast customer service rep.

I don't think they will go Odell Beckham here, but I do think that doing so would be a much smarter move than trading their draft away for Watkins.

11.  TENNESSEE TITANS - DARQUEZE DENNARD, CB, MICHIGAN STATE

The Titans just lost Alterraun Verner, who was a pretty damn good corner. Their front 7 are very good and there is not a QB here to replace Locker, so...wait, could they? Could they go with the Bort-ster?

...no. I think they go Dennard. If you look at Verner last year, and you look at Dennard's college tapes, you may think you're looking at the same person. San Francisco apparently will suck a team's dick to move up and take Odell Beckham, but I don't think they break out the kneepads for Tennessee.

12. NEW YORK GIANTS - CALVIN PRYOR, S, LOUISVILLE

Hmmm. Tough call here. The Jints need line help but the only guy left is Zack Martin and I don't think they go Notre Dame technician in the first. I don't think they go for Beckham what with their stable of WRs.

They could use a safety and a corner, and I think they go safety over corner and grab Calvin Pryor. Pryor is a monster hitter at safety who flies all over the field. He looks exactly like Bob Sanders did coming out of Iowa.

13. ST. LOUIS RAMS

If San Francisco is going to trade up for Beckham, I think this is the spot they'll move into to do so.

It's gonna cost them, but probably not as much as it would cost with other teams. St. Louis seems to love moving down.

49ers trade their 1st, 2nd and next year's 1st and 3rd for this spot. And they suck Jeff Fisher's dick.

13. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers - ODELL BECKHAM, WR, LSU

Odell Beckham is only 6' 195, but he plays like he's bigger. The guy goes up and gets the ball over people, which makes sense as the corners are generally no bigger than he is. This dude looks like exactly what people wanted Mike Wallace to be.

14. CHICAGO BEARS - HA'SEAN CLINTON-DIX, S, ALABAMA

I refuse to call this motherfucker "Ha-Ha". Maybe LOL. LOL Clinton-Dix has a good ring to it.

This is wishful thinking, as I want the Steelers to take Fuller. Clinton-Dix looks like he'll be decent at best. I hope Chicago thinks he'll be awesome and wastes the 14th pick on him.

15. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - KYLE FULLER, CB, VIRGINIA TECH

Fuller probably goes to Chicago, but I'm the King of Wishful Thinking and I'm slotting him to Pgh. He's basically their ideal corner, a physical tackler who can get all up in the WR's grill and has the ball skills to match. In fact, I think he's the best corner in this draft.

16. DALLAS COWBOYS - ANTHONY BARR, DE/OLB, UCLA

I think Anthony Barr has a pretty good chance of being a bust, but he's an athletic specimen who dominated a position in college that he was new to, so I see the other side of this argument. If the Cowboys think he'll be great, they'd have to be thrilled to get Demarcus Ware's replacement at 16. Expect to see film of Jerrah Jones jerking it (say that three times fast) on his giant scoreboard.

17. TRADE

Miami really needs a left tackle and I think they get antsy. There's nobody really for Baltimore to rush to the podium and select, so they move back two spots for let's say Miami's 2nd.

17. MIAMI DOLPHINS - ZACK MARTIN, OT, NOTRE DAME

Miami is like San Francisco, in that they'll blow somebody for a left tackle. If Martin falls this far, I think they'll get jumpy and move up to secure his services. He'll probably be boring as hell just like every other Dolphins player.

18. NEW YORK JETS - BRANDIN COOKS, WR, OREGON STATE

It appears that the Jets are infatuated with Cooks, a midget WR who plays like a mini Calvin Johnson. This little dude can outrun DBs and also go up over them and win jump balls. Pretty cray. He's like the Honey Badger at WR. Both the animal and Mathieu. And the Jets need to continue upgrading what was last year probably the worst WR corps ever assembled in the entire history of Lamar Hunt's AFL.

19. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Hmm.

I think Green Bay would love to get Ebron. However, if the draft plays out like this, does Baltimore take him? There's no other team that would move up to get him.

I think Baltimore could trade Ebron to Green Bay for their 1st and say 4th, and would probably do it.

19. GREEN BAY PACKERS - ERIC EBRON, TE, UNC

Ebron is the top TE and the Packers really need a TE. Maybe this version of JerMike Finley will show some consistency. I don't think he'll be that great in the NFL but everybody else seems to.

20. ARIZONA CARDINALS - BLAKE BORTLES, QB, UCF

I've come around on this one. If Bortles falls, and Bruce Arians sees young Ben Roethlisberger, I can see him making this selection. Unfortunately, Bortles throws like Ben Stein. I think he's going to suck.

21. BALTIMORE RAVENS - CJ MOSLEY, ILB, ALABAMA

I forgot that Mosley was even available. The Ravens probably remember having a decent middle linebacker and can consider the fact that Mosley has yet to murder multiple people a bonus.

22. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - RYAN SHAZIER, ILB, OHIO STATE

I don't know if this is a need. I assume it is since Stewart Bradley stole money from the Eagles for a few years. Shazier is athletic as hell and looks like a Madden ILB in his highlight tapes. On most tapes, though, he gets washed out of the play immediately. Very Alec Ogletree-ish, but that seemed to work out really well for the Rams.

23. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - MARQISE LEE, WR, USC

Ok. Chiefs have a few places they could go here.

- They could grab Ra'Shede Hageman or some other DL they like

- Could grab an OL

- Could get another weapon for Alex Smith to ignore

I think they go with the latter, and now that I think about it....hmm. I'm not gonna change it but if I were Baltimore I'd see what they wanted to move up and take a shot at Ebron.

In this case, I think they take the WR. I HATE big-year USC WRs that slant their way to 100 catches in a wide-open west coast one-look quick read offense that I guess works against Washington State, but who else can they take here? A guy that runs 5 yard routes is perfect for Alex Smith, as he refuses to throw the ball more than 10 yards in the air. Kelvin Benjamin would rot into the ground of Dwayne Bowe's graveyard. Lee seems to be the only available option that makes sense.

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS - BRADLEY ROBY, CB, OHIO STATE

Appears that Roby is getting some run as a first round option over Jason Verrett, and the Bengals have been atrophying at the corner spot recently. Leon Hall's achilles tendons are made out of hymens and Terrance Newman is like 40 now. Even Pacman is in his 30s. It's 2014, man! Crazy.

I think they either go Ealy or a corner here. So I guess we'll go corner and they'll probably look to add DEs later.

25. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - XAVIER SU'A-FILO, G, UCLA

The Chargers have a godawful offensive line and have forever. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what AJ Smith did to this once stacked roster should be a felony. With no standout defensive prospects available, I think they address the offensive line. Su'a-Filo is a guard that I saw ranked highly on a list.

26. CLEVELAND BROWNS - KELVIN BENJAMIN, WR, FLORIDA STATE

Hells yeah! They take Johnny Foosball, they have Josh Gordon, why not go full bore and create an insane Madden offense? Benjamin is fat as hell but he's tall and he didn't look that fat when he was catching mad TDs over everyone last year at Florida State. He also never raped anyone nor stole any delicacies from the local grocer. A high character individual who won't even need the Peter Warrick discount at Dillard's with Cleveland's low cost of living.

27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - Don't know

NOLA could probably go anywhere with this one. They have a pretty strong roster so I'd think they'll go BPA for the most part. Let's see who is available...

27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - KYLE VAN NOY, DE/OLB, BYU

Haven't watched much of this guy, but he apparently did nothing but produce. However, by nature of playing at BYU, he most assuredly did not reproduce. Hahahahaahaha get it?

Can never have too many pass rushers.

28. CAROLINA PANTHERS - ALLEN ROBINSON, WR, PSU

Carolina has zero in the way of pass catchers. They need some pass catchers, to catch passes. Robinson seems to be rated too low, he looks good on tape. Panthers could go OL if they like Moses or Bitonio but I'm flashy so let's get some diva WRs!

29. Trade

If a team wants a QB, they need to jump ahead of Houston's 33rd overall pick. And you know New England likes to trade down so they can blow later round picks.

Minnesota gives up their 2nd, 3rd and next year's 2nd and 5th to jump ahead and grab the younger Carr, who would probably go higher if his name weren't Carr and who looks like he can also bust like he was Christian Ponder's younger brother and that would be hilarious.

29. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - DEREK CARR, QB, FRESNO STATE

I know nothing about him except that his brother sucked. I don't necessarily hold that against him because Aaron Rodgers and Carson Palmer have terrible brothers, but I do think it causes him to fall.

30. ST. LOUIS RAMS - CYRUS KOUANDJIO, OT, ALABAMA

Ok. I had Joel Bitonio here because I read about him on a list and how his versatility has allowed him to Swiss Army knife his way into late first round talk.

But this is the Business Horse mock draft. And Business Horse knows that before a potential knee injury that like, could happen or something red flagged him, and before the top three tackles stole his thunder, Kouandjio was the it-girl amongst OT prospects. He has beastish potential and the Rams could stand to move Saffold to the hilariously-overpaid guard position. Surprises happen every draft and here's one of them. You heard it from the Horse's mouth.

31. DENVER BRONCOS - JASON VERRETT, CB, TCU

The Broncos struggled mightily at times last year stopping the pass. They signed Aqib Talib! Yeah, well, they also let Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, the good version I may add, walk in free agency. I think they try to upgrade the corner spot. They have a narrow window right now so they could also make a big move to trade up, but I don't know who it is that they would covet enough in order to do so.

32. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - DEMARCUS LAWRENCE, DE, BOISE STATE

Straight-up explosive pass rusher. That's what Seattle does - they have a great secondary and a hilariously deep group of great pass rushers that disrupt offenses all day and stay fresh while doing it. It sounds easy when you say it like that, but you gotta draft the athletes as well as they did and, to be fair, before the Hawks started doing it, no other team stacked their roster with DEs like this. Teams had maybe two good rush DEs or a pass rushing OLB and then that was it, the backups were just guys. Seattle goes 3 deep at each spot and rotates them in like a full-court press basketball team. They let some of those guys go, so they gotta restock to keep doing what they do over the next few seasons as that secondary gets expensive. They could use a WR but the second and third WR tier is so deep that I think they wait, or they could get a TE if they like Jace Amaro. I don't think they'll take Sefarian-Jenkins because the last thing the Seahawks need is another criminal tight end from UW. In the end I think they keep doing what they do, and that's ruining passing games.

And there you have it. Usually when I do these, I have to look up the last 5 or 6 guys because I have no idea who they are or who is available. Not this year - this draft is insane. Like 10 of these guys could have gone first overall last year.

Let's get it on. 

RICHARD SHERMAN YELLS AT SOME CHICK ON TV

YO CRABTREE CAN EAT SOME MOTHERFUCKING DICKS

First thing, mad props to Sherm-dog. I hope he and his teammates enjoy plentiful oats during the next two weeks. Nothing but oats and mares. (But remember the motto, fuck mares, get money). 

But after he went off yelling about Crabtree during his postgame interview with naked keyhole lady Erin Andrews, America DONE LOST IT'S MIND. 

And that's where Business Horse comes in...to, like Warren Gamiliel Harding once said, restore this shit to normalcy. 

Let's break this down.

1. Sherman is not a "thug". Nobody who talks trash into a microphone after a sporting event is a thug. Tight ends who murder people to cover up previous murders are thugs. Cornerbacks who rape people are thugs. Richard Sherman is a "douche", which is so much fucking different that I can't even put it into words. Richard Sherman is a cocky douche. That's it. Anybody who thinks that he's a thug or that this is what's wrong with sports today or whatever - those are your idiots. Brings me to my next point:

2. You can dislike Sherman and not be a racist or a hater or stuffy or whatever. Some people like cocky douches. Some people don't. I don't. It's that fucking simple. Anybody who thinks any deeper than this...relax. People that think "oh just because of one guy doing something harmless, you are going to root for another team?"...FUCK YES. Sports fandom is irrational. It means nothing. If nobody watches the Super Bowl on TV, these players won't even notice. If I choose to root against the Broncos because Eric Decker is fucking a white chick, I CAN DO THAT. It means nothing. Leave me the fuck alone. And...

3. Stop acting like Richard Sherman chaired the department of theoretical physics at Stanford. In response to idiots calling Sherman an uneducated thug on Twitter, people are incessantly reminding us that Sherman went to Stanford and therefore is one of the smartest people on the planet. He's not. His SAT was about 1050 and his wonderlic 24. He's of above average intelligence. Watching his NFL Films segment shows he's probably smarter than his set scores indicate. BUT HE DID NOT INVENT STRING THEORY. You do not want Richard Sherman operating on your gall bladder, because you will die. And...

4. Richard Sherman wants to play the bad guy, yet is attempting to rationalize away his behaviors so that people do not consider him the bad guy. No can do, Rich. You gotta own it. This response he wrote today, which people are posting all up and down the Horse's Facebook, is cray. 

I spent most of the game on an island: I was targeted only twice during the entire NFC Championship. The first produced a BS holding call against me; the second ended the game. Michael Crabtree stutter-stepped out of his break on first down and sprinted toward the end zone. I was in good position for a pick until he pushed me in the back. My interception became a tip and an interception for Malcolm Smith in the end zone.

This motherfucker complaining about un-called pass interferences and holds is like Ben Roethlisberger complaining about public drunkenness. The Seahawks have still not stopped complaining about the refs since 2006 and they probably never will. Their entire defensive strategy is based around clutching and grabbing. Cry me a river. 

I ran over to Crabtree to shake his hand but he ignored me. I patted him, stuck out my hand and said, “Good game, good game.” That’s when he shoved my face, and that’s when I went off.

Sherm, you realize this was on TV, right? If people out there actually buy this and think that, by doing the absolutely completely normal act of running up behind a guy you just beat, smiling ear-to-ear, slapping him on the ass and saying good game he was NOT taunting Crabtree and looking to provoke a response - then I cannot help you. Woe is Sherman. Just own it, Shermdog! I don't know about you, but if somebody did this to me in a fucking co-ed softball league, I would probably beat them to death with my illegal bat. It was douchey. Because Sherman is the pinnacle of douche, no matter what Crabtree said earlier. Well...I guess assuming Crabtree didn't say "hey Sherman, I'm going to fuck your entire family in the ass once I catch this game winner". If he said that, then I may be a bit more understanding. 

I threw a choking sign at 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Why? Because he decided he was going to try the guy he was avoiding all game, because, I don’t know, he’s probably not paying attention for the game-winning play. C’mon, you’re better than that.

"See, I only gave Kaepernick the choke sign because he had the audacity to think I wasn't the single greatest football player in the NFL and that I should have to defend against passes." This is just dripping in hot wet douche. Maybe if Kaepernick had some Adderall, he'd be able to pay attention during game-winning plays.

Erin Andrews interviewed me after the game and I yelled what was obvious: If you put a subpar player across from a great one, most of the time you’re going to get one result. As far as Crabtree being a top-20 NFL receiver, you’d have a hard time making that argument to me. There are a lot of receivers playing good ball out there, and Josh Gordon needed 14 games to produce almost double what Crabtree can do in a full season. And Gordon had Brandon Weeden, Brian Hoyer and Jason Campbell playing quarterback.

Jesus Christ. So much douche. You just hate Crabtree, that's all. He's probably top 20 - he's damn good. I also don't quite follow the Josh Gordon QB thing - Kaepernick doesn't exactly air it out, as he threw for less yards this year than Weeden did last year. A Kaepernick (and Alex Smith last year) offense just isn't designed to put up huge passing yardage numbers. That being considered, Crabtree's numbers last season were pretty damn good. He's a good WR, Sherm. He's probably a douche, too. Does douche recognize douche? Probably not. Actually, I bet it does but has a hard time identifying itself.

Erin Andrews interviewed me after the game and I yelled what was obvious: If you put a subpar player across from a great one, most of the time you’re going to get one result. As far as Crabtree being a top-20 NFL receiver, you’d have a hard time making that argument to me. There are a lot of receivers playing good ball out there, and Josh Gordon needed 14 games to produce almost double what Crabtree can do in a full season. And Gordon had Brandon Weeden, Brian Hoyer and Jason Campbell playing quarterback.

See? It's so easy!

I don't understand why people consider Sherman saying the above and some nice things about his team and the Broncos to be some "see, you have to see both sides of the story!" revelation. Sherman was never thought to be a team cancer. The things he said above are fucking clearly not true or not justifications, assuming you own a television and saw them. He was just douchin' out. 

And that's the crux of it. Some people think douchey athletes are passionate and love the game and just want to win and love it, and some think they are just douches and will "cheer" for "other teams" because "none of it fucking matters you fucking retards".

It's as simple as that. RELAX, America.